At the end of 2017, I finally realized that I actually like making new year’s resolutions. There is just something about a new year that feels like a clean slate which gives me hope for improvement. Not necessarily a ‘new year, new me’ attitude because let’s be honest — I’m always never gonna change. (I just looked into my mess of a closet, yep, same ol’ Kendi.) But there are always things I can improve and this year I can’t help but think that embracing what’s to come is the best goal I can have.
Certainly, last year was a big year of change as I was hiding being pregnant at this very time last year and still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was going to be a mom, but I’d say last year was more of a year of acceptance. Accepting that I was going to have a baby (and I do mean ‘have’ a baby — because I was scared of labor and delivery for the duration of my pregnancy and honestly, still kind of scared of it), accepting that my body was changing month by month and may never quite be the same again, accepting that once our little one arrived our lives would be completely different. That I would be completely different. I was surprised by how quickly I accepted those changes; welcomed them even. Plus you don’t have a choice when it comes to a baby, a-change is a-coming, ready or not.
As it turns out, last year after having Gemma I learned that I find happiness in routine, in a picked up room, in a scheduled day. I’ve had to make peace that to keep this level of contentment, it takes more effort than before. I’ve surprised myself a time or two at the fact that I need order and routine. Who knew? I thought Kendi was a spontaneous mess, nope, she’s actually an organized chaos keeper who likes a schedule. I also need sleep, but alas that is not a part of my new year’s resolution this year. I’m not a fool; I like to make goals I can keep. As I’m learning new things about Gemma each day, I’ve also been introduced to a new person as well — myself as a mom. And the other thing that surprised me? I actually really like being a mom. I’ve never thought I was very maternal but with Gemma? It’s the most natural feeling in the world. The thing that’s hard for me though is the ongoing element of surprise. We think we’ve got this baby game figured out, we think we are baby champions and…then it changes. We think we’ve leveled up in parenting and then with a drop of hat, it feels like we’ve dropped back 5 levels to the beginning.
But let me say this: newborns cannot be held responsible. They don’t know you don’t like the hour of 6 am, it’s just when they wake up. They don’t know that was your favorite pair of pajamas they just spit up on, their digestive system isn’t quite developed yet. They don’t know that you’ve been spoiled to 10 years of date nights with your husband, they just know that having both of you around at all times is comforting and helps them go to sleep. Babies also don’t know that one month in adult time is extremely fast, sometimes a blur, because in their time frame it’s forever long, marking milestones off one by one in that 30-day journey of learning, growing and figuring out their brand new world. I mean, before I’ve had time to take her monthly photos, it’s the next month and she’s changed again.
That’s what I’ve learned in this almost 5 months of being a mom: everything changes. You don’t like this stage? It will change. You love how little she is? I hate to break your heart but it will change. There is only consistency in change. So with gumption and grace, I’m here to embrace it all this year. Here is to ‘A Year of Change‘, watching my baby grow and hoping to remember it all even though the blur.
*But also I would like to sleep. I’m putting this out there universe, just in case.