This is a post I’ve tried to write many times over the last two years. Well, more so in the last year I suppose. It’s a block in my mind, a mountain I can’t get over and so I don’t write it — or rather I write it, delete it and never post it. I talk myself out of it, out of fear of the unknown. But I’ve come to the point where I don’t know if I can move forward with my blog if I don’t climb this proverbial mountain.
Over the last two years, I’ve become quite a different person than you first met. I did something incredible — I opened up a boutique. I started an online shop. I continued to blog 3-4x a week, sometimes 5. (I should note that I did all of this with the help of my husband, the best man I’ve ever met.) I have been a machine of production. I’ve always been someone who has enjoyed work and feared ever being seen as lazy thanks to a sharp-tongued piano teacher in my early years who warned me that smartest kids are the laziest and I was brilliant. (Turns out, by the way, I can’t read sheet music. Years later I would teach myself guitar by ear. Lazy that, music lady.) I slowly allowed my work to take over my identity. If I received positive feedback, I used it as fuel to keep going. If I received negative feedback, I used it as fuel to become better. And slowly but surely with every hour spent, I became less and less of myself and more and more of a machine. My life was statistics, sales, numbers, goals, budgets, deadlines, and taxes due. Which is a garden for feelings of worry, anxiety and stress to grow. And grow they did. I tended to my garden well, constantly finding something else wrong to fix, constantly on the lookout for negative feedback so that I could conquer it, finding something else that wasn’t in my control so that I could take it over. And as any good gardener, I watered the plants daily with fear; I was never at rest in my garden of anxiety.
About 6 months into opening bloom, I started to sleep less and less. I was getting around 4 hours a night. Not because I would go to sleep late, but because I would wake up in cold sweats filled with anxiety, staying up with my thoughts. I would wake my husband up and ask about the simplest of fears: “did we lock the door?” “are you sure?” “did I pay that bill?” “did you email her back?” Soon enough the small things in life, like locking a door, became shadows in my world. And when something as small as locking a door becomes a fear, the rest of life can become debilitating. Because as well as we know day turns to night, shadows turn light into dark.
I had my first panic attack in 2008 when we moved to Kerrville. We had two weeks to move and we couldn’t find anywhere to live in the small, retirement community. I had just put in my two weeks at my job back in Dallas and although happy to move forward, the future was not looking as hopeful as I’d thought. We had another unsuccessful trip to find somewhere to live and on the long 6 hour trip back home, I started to cry. Those tears turned into gasps for air as I felt as though I couldn’t breathe and I felt as if I was having a heart attack. If you’ve had a panic attack before, then you know this feeling. It’s almost comical now to think that at 23 years old I thought this was the end for me — the house search had done me in. We pulled over at a gas station and I raced for a curb — I didn’t care who saw me, I was certain I was either going mad or dying. Turns out, it was a panic attack. A feeling I would come to know well in just a few years.
Side note: this post is hard to write.
Writing a blog is a weird thing. At first, it’s a project — it’s something fun you do, you look forward to creating new content, creating new outfits, meeting new people. And you slowly share bits of your life with people over the course of the years; some people like your life, some people don’t. But I stopped sharing my life a few years ago. At first I didn’t share opening the store because I never wanted to come off as bragging or prideful and I didn’t know if I could handle criticism. (Although now I wish I would have, as I know a lot of you do, too. It’s funny the things I’m most proud of, I rarely share for fear of God knows what.) And then like a song I know all too well, depression started creeping into my light-filled life. And everything in my world was kept on lock from you. It was a slow entrance; polite almost. It knocked on a few of my doors and I ignored it. I kept smiling, kept working, kept moving. I just stopped sharing the other side. As I’m sure a lot of you are thinking — how can someone look so normal and happy in a photo but be depressed? I’m actually scared and impressed of how much I can ignore my own small voice for the sake of saving face. I’d venture to say that employees, friends and family members didn’t know for many months. That is until it slowly welcomed itself into every door of my life.
Depression has looked different in many stages of my life. It first hit me when I was 16 years old. Then again at 20, and now at 28. When I was 16, there were a lot of emo poems written. (I am not kidding you and if I’m correct, I’m pretty sure they are in a closet at my parent’s.) Now I can look back and laugh at the long, saga poems I wrote but at the time, it was a sad existence. I remember sitting in a dark room, not wanting to talk to anyone, see anyone or do anything. For a 16 year old with a new car, that’s not a good feeling.
At 20, I remember ended up in the same dark room, but this time I turned to music and not writings of teen poetry. Thankfully Bright Eyes and other emo musicians were popular at the time so no one suspected anything of me. I’d call my mother crying, she threatened to drive the three hours from home and take me out of school. That’s not what I wanted to hear so I didn’t call for a while.
A few weeks ago, I hit a wall. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t concentrate, I didn’t want to do anything. I could no longer hear the voice in my head that sounded familiar, that reminded me of the good things, that helped me create. I figured I was just tired, that I had been working too much again. Usually I would get so stressed that I would end up sick and have to spend a few days in bed and then start over again refreshed, but I wasn’t getting sick so I thought I was okay. (Correction: I thought I’d finally conquered that weak-ass immune system once and for all.) So we took some time off and tried to relax. The next day at work in the shop, I was sorting camisoles to be tagged. A simple task. I kept getting them confused and mixed up. I couldn’t figure it out and ended up having a panic attack. Thankfully I was alone in the shop and no one saw the breakdown. My mom came, picked me up from work and took me home, just like she offered to in college. But this time I let her. I spent the next three days in bed.
Aside from my genetic makeup that gives way to depression, our life has become quite chaotic. We work about 6 and a half days a week. And as it turns out I am a control freak. (Neat!) We have become accustomed to being stressed out. We’ve become accustomed to letting our stress wreck havoc on bad habits that include french fries and wine. We have also realized in all of this, that’s not what life is about. If life is only about sales, then I’m out.
You are probably wondering where all this is coming from, why I’m sharing it now. I’ve known for a while, hence the many times I’ve tried to write this post, that to move forward sometimes you have to have a clean slate. This is me cleaning my slate from the last two years. I regret not sharing more about bloom, but I never wanted it to be tainted by the hardships, my depression and anxiety. That’s why I couldn’t talk about it. And aside from the depression, entrepreneurship is a difficult road to venture down. And entrepreneurship with your husband or a partner is even more so. It’s quite cruel to learn the lessons of life and entrepreneurship all in the same few years.To be honest, it’s hard to put into words; clean, sparkling words that live on blogs. Especially, especially on a style blog. I’ve wanted to share so many times but fear stops me. “Shut up and wear clothes” it says. I’ve wanted to make changes but fear stopped me. But as I’ve taken a step back from things these last few weeks I’ve come to realize something. Maybe it’s not about the clothes that bring you here (meh, or maybe it is) but maybe it’s about life. Everyone has a story and maybe you just want to hear mine.
If that is the case, then thank you for showing up and asking for more. I apologize for having not being able to share this side of my life. I also apologize for thinking that you only want to see the sunshine and not the rain. That is why I take a sillier tone in my posts most days, because it’s comfortable and happy and different than my current train of thought. But it feels dishonest to who I am now and it speaks to perhaps who I was. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still funny.
That was a joke. Kind of.
All that to say, I need to heal. But as much as my life and identity is wrapped up in my blog, I needed that to heal as well. I need you to be on the same page as me, even if we both hate it. There is something else I’ve realized in my struggle: life is good. I’ve confused ambition with dissatisfaction. Ambition isn’t something that sets out to destroy, it’s something that sets out to create. I’ve confused these things as I’m constantly on the lookout to destroy the bad and preserve the good. But really, I just need to create the good may it be with bloom and the pretty clothes that hang in our windows, may it be with the blog and this post right here, may it be in life and being grateful for the here and the now, even if it involves tears or sad days. I’ve always been told that happiness is a choice. I’ve always hated that statement because it puts the control onto me and not my circumstances. But perhaps it is a choice — a choice to be present and to be thankful.
Thank you for being present and for listening.
***
(I should note I’ve since gone to the doctor for my depression. I am feeling a little bit better every day and finding more light in the shadows. )
1,438 Responses
Beautiful words, Kendi. Thank you for sharing. I pray that you will continue to find the light amongst the shadows! xoxo
Kendi, you’re a serious rockstar for writing that. Thank you for sharing and know that regardless of what you put out, those of us that have been reading you for YEARS will always be coming back. xo
Thank you Kendi. You have no idea how much it means to me to read this post. Your honesty is why I have read you from the beginning to the end. Your realization that you control things and always will is something I am dealing with right now. Please Kendi, You are amazing and your honesty is so appreciated!
http://www.theadoredlife.com
Yeah that’s one thing I wish I didn’t have control over. I wish happiness just happened to me. 🙂 I’m glad we’re in the same boat, it’s nice to know someone else is dealing with a crazy life, too. Thanks for your kind words.
Wow. Just wow. I was teary eyed through the whole thing. Believe it or not, sometimes it makes me feel worse to read shiny, happy blogs where cute girls appear to have life by the balls and there is nary a worry in sight. You just became so much more real to me, and I applaud you a hundred times over for writing this. I already loved your style, your writing voice, and your adorable store. Now I have a new respect for the woman you are. BRAVO.
Thank you for sharing. I know it’s not easy to write, but please know that more people go through this than you can realize. Depression feels very lonely, but its not.
i’m so glad you shared this side of your life and business. i’m sure it was very hard, but i think it must also feel great for you to get it off your chest. i’m glad you’ve been to the doctor since and that things are getting better all the time. i think it’s super brave to be so open and vulnerable here. just wanted to say i’ve always been so so impressed by your blog/store/work ethic.
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but I’ve been reading it for about two years. I’m so glad you wrote about this. I think it’s easy to assume that a bloggers life is perfect, because from all the pretty pictures you post it seems that way. I certainly don’t wish these struggles upon you, but I’m glad that you are being honest about your life. It makes you seem more human, and that can’t be a bad thing, right?
Ive suffered from anxiety attacks for years, they sure aren’t fun! I’m grateful for them, though, because they’ve forced me to reevaluate my life and make some changes so that I wouldn’t feel so stressed all the time.
I hope that things improve for you, I know they will. I think speaking your truth is an important step towards progress, and you’ve certainly done that here. Best of luck to you!!
Angela —
I totally agree on the anxiety attack benefit of forcing you to re-adjust. B and I have had to sit down and say “ok yes we can do that, okay no we can’t do that any longer.” It sucks getting here but I think that it will make for a better life in the end. That’s such a good way to look at it, thanks for saying that.
Kendi
Hi Kendi,
I too have struggled with depression and anxiety in my life. My first bouts with depression were in high school, they flared up again right after graduating college, and the last, and worst, episodes was when I ended an engagement two years ago. After years of suffering in silence, I went and talked to a counselor. I didn’t realize that there could be like without depression, or that the endless pit in my stomach was anxiety. After months of counseling, I am in such a better place. I don’t remember feeling this happy or hopeful since I was in grade school. That is so brave of you to share your history, even if it is just to anonymous readers.
I love your blog, and I’m astonished that there are people in the world that can put together and wear beautifully classic clothes like you every day. You are an inspiration, in your clothing choices and in real life. Keep up the hard work of mending, I am rooting for you!
Thank you for sharing your comment! I’ve wondered about counseling a few times, but I’ve just never been brave enough to make the call. When I was talking to the doctor, she said something to the tune of you know this isn’t normal right? And it struck me as funny because I just learned to accept that I was always on edge. It is nice to see the silver lining again, isn’t it?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. 🙂
Counseling is so worth it. I felt super uncomfortable with the idea initially (burst out crying on the phone to my mom, “I think I need to see someone!”), but now I recommend it to everyone. And you’ll find out quickly that more people see a therapist than you realize.
You have now climbed the mountain…you are very brave. Often, when I climb a mountain (literally – I live in Colorado *wink) and I look down on the beautiful view below, I just feel…better, somehow. take care of yourself and continue to be brave.
This is, hands down, the best thing I’ve ever seen on your blog. Thank you so much for sharing this, for being real. Cheering for YOU and your way back to an authentic sunshiney place.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this!! You are an inspiration to live a life of honesty. Thank you for this!
Kendi – your blog was the first I started following and since have many favorites, but yours is always what I enjoy reading first each day. While I don’t know you personally, there’s never any need to apologize for true feelings – when you’re ready to share that’s all that matters. I hope you find peace moving forward and can enjoy those moments in life that make you truly happy. All the best!
I’ve never been here for the clothes. I’m here for Kendi. I think I probably speak for a lot of people when I say, we would love to know more about her. Don’t ever feel like you are unable to share in this space. (Hope this isn’t creepy. I promise I am a well-adjusted adult who just really likes your blog.)
Not creepy, actually it’s comforting. Thanks for saying that. Sharing is hard for me, as weird as that is because here I am a girl with a blog and she doesn’t want to share here life. The irony. So thank you for the encouragement, it means a lot.
I can relate big time. I have a blog but there is so much I don’t share. Partly because I’m a therapist and don’t want to much information out about me and partly because…it’s messy and I too find it easier to joke and be silly in my posts. But I will say that I can relate. A lot.
There are a million style blogs. I come back to this one because of your intelligence and humor and that undefine-able thing that makes your voice uniquely yours. Your clothes are really nice, too, don’t get me wrong!!! But its the inner YOU shining through that sets this space apart.
I’m so glad you are taking care of yourself and thank you so much for sharing such a deep and delicate thing. You wrote it out beautifully and eloquently and with that certain wink and sparkle that is so Kendi.
Be good to yourself, girl. We’ll be here for you.
Thank you for sharing, kendi. I do really enjoy your clothes, but like you said, this blog makes me want to know you as a friend. I live in the Dallas area and i joke (kind of) with my hubby that i should totally go meet you and become bffs with you…! Keep chugging along and you’ll be fine… Thanks again for sharing
Sip-n-wear.blogspot.com
Dear Kendi, this blog post makes me want to read your blog MORE, not less. Thank you for your inspiring post!
“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
Great quote, friend. Thank you.
Kendi, I’ve always been so impressed with you, both from a style stand point and from a personal stand point. You are witty and hilarious, and REAL. This is even greater evidence of that. Thank you for sharing, I’m sure there are SO many people who can benefit from this!
kendi, thanks for sharing this. this is incredibly strong of you and i think very brave. i have been reading your blog for 2 years now ( i am from germany ) and i have been enjoying it a lot. i love your style and your writing and the “silly” stuff you write.
i hope that you will be fine – i´ll stay a happy reader of your blog!
Though I am a longtime reader, I’ve never commented on your blog before. I just wanted to thank you for your courage — it takes a brave heart and a strong soul to write so openly about such a difficult issue. Thank you for sharing. Good luck! So many people are rooting for you! 🙂
I think many of us have traveled down that lane, I’m glad that you’ve come forth and shared. I’m going through something similar so I find it hard to find the right words. I know the lack of concentration rings many bells for me and it’s often frustrating! Hang in there, we will all get through this. As that saying says “If you’re going through a rough time, keep going” you’ll do just fine.
http://www.houseofhemingway.com
Sharing this part of your life is brave, and you probably have no idea how many of your reader’s lives you are touching. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your life, something beyond your clothes. I admire your honesty (and so much more!).
We are all rooting for you!
~FringeGirl
Although I have probably followed your blog for years now, I don’t think I have ever commented before. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. The stigma of depression is as bad as the depression itself. I find great comfort with my peers and I hope you will as well. Take Care!
Thank you for sharing, and good luck in finding the light.
I will, without doubt, continue to read your blog and cheer you on! I am very impressed with all you do — being entrepreneur AND a public blogger takes a lot of courage and strength.
I love your clothes but love you more. You’re awesome, Kendi. Hang in there.
Thanks for sharing and your honesty…it’s hard to be vulnerable, but I know it will help you heal.
Kendi,
Please keep writing and sharing whatever you want. The good and the bad. We’ll take it all with open arms. Even though I don’t really know you, I always want to check in with your life as if you were a friend, a very stylish one at that. Keep your chin up. We’re proud of you and this brave move to really share your life.
Thanks for sharing this, Kendi. I really appreciate your honesty and acceptance of your true self. Rooting for you! Big hugs and big smiles.
You are so brave to write this. Best of luck!
Thank you for being brave enough to post this. For whatever reason there’s a stigma around being honest about the negative things in life, and I really admire you for sharing this.
I know this probably took a lot, a LOT of guts. Thanks for sharing your story and I know you’ll get the support you need following this. Onwards and upwards!
Thank you for sharing your struggles. My parents opened a store, which they thought would be their dream, and they quickly realized how hard it was. It ate at them, and two years after closing, I fear I lost my parents somewhere in that store. They could never deal with their depression in the way you are. Good job for acknowledging it, for working on it, and for sharing it. And thank you for always bringing a sunshine into my day with your great outfits that are accessible to the normal person. You’re beautiful.
Ayesha:
I completely hear what you mean about your parents. It can eat you alive, if you let it. It’s a lot for one person (or two) In a way, I’m glad that I had a mini-breakdown because it was a stopping point for us. I didn’t have a choice but to stop and say I can’t do this, we have to make changes. But I get it, it’s a hard road to go down for sure.
Thank you for your kind words, friend.
Thanks for being so brave and sharing this with us, Kendi! As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression most of her life, I know how hard it is to share the truth of those struggles with others- especially in a setting like this! I’ve always been impressed with your honesty and wit as much as your fashion sense, and now even more so. Stay strong, and write what you need to write. We’ll all be here to read and embrace it all!
I loved this post and am proud of your bravery! Because you mentioned happiness is a choice, may I recommend The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry as it explores this concept and offers tools like mental focus and gratitude to use to be more joyful.
Thank you for the recommendation! I’ll check it out.
I like the quote a lot! Thanks for sharing your aches..healing process. we’re all the same…you’re not alone.
http://underthestarsandsun.blogspot.com/
It is such a strange feeling, being ambitious, optimistic, and also depressive. People get fooled and think you’re just being dramatic. Then you think you probably have no right to feel sad, because look at how amazing life is and all you have accomplished. Then you forget that there are other feelings and just accept anxiety of a matter of course. Anyway, getting help is tough because it means thinking about it and giving it shape and admitting that you’ve been doing life wrong somehow and also like you have let your happy, optimistic, ambitious self down. Good for you for being able to write this post.
Yes, exactly. You took the words right out of my head.
Depression is such a weird thing. It’s almost like watching myself in a movie. I can see my life — I see the good parts, I see the bad parts, I see the people in it but I don’t feel any of it. It’s like watching your life but being separated from it and not being able to get back to it.
Thanks for relating those words.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing your story. It can’t be easy. I know how you feel. I have never experienced a panic attack but I do feel like i’m in a deep dark hole lately. Being a wife, mother, nurse, blogger, baker has taken it’s toll. It’s a struggle to find balance. Thank you for your story and for being so candid.
Agi:)
vodkainfusedlemonade.com
I’m not much of a commenter on blogs because I (confession) read a LOT of them. One of the comments below said that this was one of the first ones they’d read – and that stands true for me as well. I’ve even read yours probably 3 different times. As much as I love your style and what you do – it’s the person behind it I adore so much. I look forward to your posts every day because they make me laugh. Your dry humor was (and often still is) the draw. I don’t struggle with the same things but at a point in my life where things looked the bleakest – your blog helped keep me through it, honestly. I probably spent more time reading it than doing anything else.
All this to say is although I (often) envy your stuff and adore your store, the personality behind it is what makes it easy to come back to over and over again. I live in Texas myself and often I want to come up to your neck of the woods just to MEET you. Because I often think you’re even more awesome and cooler in real life than you already are on the internet.
So do what you need to do – I’ll keep coming back. Because honestly I’m not a big fan of blogs who only post pictures of their clothes and nothing more than that – I want to know more about them and what makes them so much more infinitely cooler than me (heh).
Whatever happens for you I’ll keep reading – because this blogsphere is just amazing and the people on it are truly unique as well. Like you.
thank you for being so open. love your honesty.
So proud and so brave! You are so brave Kendi. Not only for sharing this but for knowing when it is time to heal. You are inspiring and helping many by this blog, your story and Bloom 🙂
Now I like you even more than I already did. Thank you 🙂
I never comment on the blogs I read – of which yours was one of the first – but I just wanted to say, well done. Hang in there.
I can imagine how difficult this was to write, but this was so movin, Kendi. In the years I’ve followed your blog, who knew that this photoless post would be my favorite you’ve ever written? Thanks for getting real with us. I’ve admired your style, and now I can honestly say I admire your soul. Depression is not an easy thing to deal with, I will keep you in my thoughts. Best to you. xo.
Kendi. Thank you so much for this post. I can relate. I’ve experienced anxiety and panic attacks my whole life and it’s so easy to let it happen, it continue with your busy and stressful lifestyle and just push these things aside.
I am SO proud of you for writing this post. It’s not easy. Anxiety and depression are little black boxes that we get locked in and it’s hard to find the way out. I’m so happy you have recognized some of your triggers and are working towards healing.
You’re so brave and I know that’s why everyone admires you. It’s your time to heal and find peace.
Thank you.
I love your courage to post this Kendi. I can’t imagine the stress of the shop, the blog and still trying to have a life with your husband and friends and family. Sometimes life can be suffocating. Sometimes I just takes making a change and realizing your triggers to make a big impact in your life. Best of luck to you.
Lindsay
LindsayJEveryday.blogspot.com
Thank you so much! I appreciate you sharing your struggle so much.
Looking forward to the good and the bad days… we’re all only human.
Just wanted to simply say, thank you for being so b r a v e!
Thank you so much for your honesty, this post was so genuine and I know that it couldn’t have been easy to write. While I love your outfit posts (seriously, come dress me, ha!) I really think that you opening up was really brave and I’m so glad you did. Praying for you lady! xo
Thanks for having the courage to share your story–it’s something I know I needed to hear. It’s so easy for me caught up feeling like I’m never enough– so I overcompensate by doing too much and exhausting myself in the process. Have you read any of the books by Brene Brown? Her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” seriously is life-changing!
I haven’t read her books, but thank you for the suggestion! I’m always on the look out for new ones to read.
I second the Brene Brown comment – read her books, watch her TED talk online. What she has to say is so inspired (plus, she’s a good Texas gal). Don’t ever apologize for allowing yourself to be honest and vulnerable for it is also the key to your strength and authenticity, Kendi. Know that you have silent (well, until now) kindred spirits wishing you well on your journey!
This is such a beautiful post. Please know everything you said is correct – we are here to hear your whole story, the ups and downs, not just the sunshine but the rainy days too. 🙂
I am truly grateful for you sharing this and admire you more for it. So true and honest, as bloggers, sometimes we get caught up in this other world and we need to pull ourselves back down to earth just like everyone. Truly fantastic words written and I hope each day it gets a little easier.
Thank you so much for your post about your struggles. I’ve read your blog for over a year and I love it for many reasons. You are funny, gorgeous, have great style, and there is something about you and the way you handle your self that draws people in. And this post is a perfect example of that. I too struggle with depression in ways that is easy to ignore sometimes, and in other ways its embarrassing and makes me feel defeated. The lay in bed all day and do nothing but cry at randoms things, defeated. I am a happy person with an amazing husband, and the job that I’ve always dreamed of, but It has always baffled me how someone so happy can be not so happy at the same time. Luckily for God’s grace, he rights our wrongs and takes away our pain and struggle… if we let him. Whatever your beliefs may be, I pray peace for you. And I pray strength & rejuvenation for you and your husband. Its not an easy journey, and it never will be… but God doesn’t give someone something they can’t handle. He also working in wonderful ways… one of those being allowing you to open your heart to the world and drawing me in to read it. Your courage and strength inspires me to do the same. So, THANK YOU for being you and opening up. I can only imagine how many people are moved by your journey. I know I am! God bless you, girl! You deserve happiness, and you’re are gonna get it, I just know it.
Jillian
This took courage. Thanks for sharing. I will always love to hear the honest side of things. Blessings to you on your journey.
Thank you so much for writing this Kendi. I struggle with Depression too, and it is just so hard sometimes. The last 2 days in fact have been pretty bad, but this post just helped me a lot. I never would have guessed that you struggle with it as well, and I don’t think you know how many people your touching by telling your story. Getting back into the Word and hearing Jesus’ words have been invaluable to me.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19 (NIV)
Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)
Brave, indeed. Kudos to you for sharing this with us.
Erin
http://www.BrainsOfTheOutfit.com
You my favorite style blogger are a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes you real. Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. I know that all will be well.
I hope you understand the permission you just gave to your readers to exhale, pursue their truth, and live it out loud. Thank you Kendi. I wish nothing but for you to be your best self.
Take care of you! I had panic attacks for years and finally went to a therapist, it did wonders. Hang in there.
Blogs are best when they are real – even heartbreaking. Thank you for having the courage. Also, I’ve heard this woman speak on her panic attacks and anxiety, and she is wonderful. You might check it out. http://www.amazon.com/Freefall-Fly-Breathtaking-Journey-Meaning/dp/1414379366/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=2TF30R0E7N7HT&coliid=I1542K5JNTF6SC
And now all of us come out of the woodwork. The hard thing about depression is that it feels like you’re in a dark place all alone, and more than that, it feels OK. But many of us (myself included) have been there, too. Thank you for sharing your story and for allowing all of us to be helping hands as you move forward. Together, we’ll open the door out.
Dear Kendi,
Thank you for being so brave. Take care of yourself.
XXXXXX
Megan
Thanks for writing this post. I have struggled with depression too and know how difficult it can be to talk about it. I’m glad you are taking care of yourself.
Thank you for sharing. I come from a family which depression runs in, and although I’ve never suffered from it, I’ve dealt with it with many people very close to me. It helps to talk, to admit it, to be open, and so I’m grateful that you’ve been able to do that with us, your readers.
You should be proud of your accomplishments, because I look up to you as a new blogger. You have done so much, so don’t forget that.
Keep looking for the light, keep looking back at your accomplishments. Ambition is nothing if you can’t reflect on the achievements with a smile.
Thanks and best wishes your way,
Lesley
Thank you so much for sharing this with all of your readers Kendi. I have read your blog for a couple of years now and this post has by fat had the biggest impact and made me respect you so much. As someone who has had her own struggles with depression I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate you finally being open about what you have been going through. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. This was a tear-filled read. I so much appreciate you taking down the cyber blogging wall and letting us in. Life isn’t filled with lollipops and rainbows everyday but life does go on so long as you push ahead. All of your readers are rooting for you!
Thanks for sharing. As someone who has dealt with depression, too, I find that it is incredibly brave of you to share this. Hang in there, and know that things will slowly get better. And they’ll stay that way. They have for me.
I really hope you are feeling better. While I love and adore your clothes and get so many great wardrobe ideas from you, it’s you and your humor and your writing that keeps me coming back.
I am feeling better, not 100%. Maybe like 65%? But thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot. 🙂
thank you for sharing this kendi~!! thank you soo much!! i think a lot of people go through the same thing as you, but fear sharing in on their blogs, but it makes you more real and makes me love you even more than i already do! 🙂
xo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
Kendi, I’ve been a reader of your blog for years, although I think this is my first time to comment.
Thank you for your honesty and your bravery. I face similar demons in my own life (control freak, anxiety ridden, perfectionist, overachiever). I just finished law school (literally I’m graduating on Saturday) and my first year was almost the end of me. I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been and for the longest time I didn’t even realize how lost I was. The journey back to myself was long and painful and arduous. But I can honestly say that 3 years later I am happy and whole and have far greater respect for just letting myself live and be happy.
Sending you the warmest wishes on your journey. Keep sharing the good with the bad. I, for one, will keep reading.
Thank you for writing this! Take if from someone who has slipped into depression several times, had panic attacks and even some crazy anxiety attacks, I know where you are coming from. Much truth in the line “Happiness is a CHOICE.”
Word to the wise – be careful with depression meds…
Praying for you! =)
your honesty is wonderful. i hope cleaning your slate and talking about the not so pretty things in your life are steps to brighter days ahead 🙂
XOXO
Thank you for sharing such a hard part of your life with us. I much prefer the blogs I read to be real rather than smiley and perfect al the time because that is not real life. I hope that you will be able to find some sort of healthy balance in your life and continue to ask for help from your loved ones and professionals when you need it. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. Hope you can continue to move forward. ( ( ( hugs ) ) )
You are a profoundly great person for posting this.
I can relate all too well. I am fighting this battle myself. This was very brave of you, and I am so proud of you. You are helping others by sharing. I know it has helped me to hear the feelings put into words so well. Thanks and best wishes.
This is one of the most true, honest and beautiful posts I’ve ever read. I know sharing emotions is hard, but you just did it in so mature and inspiring (!) way. Thank you.And I wish you all the best!
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. The details of our stories might be different, but you should know that you’re not alone in these feelings and struggles. Here’s to you and me, and to both of us finding the light in the shadows 🙂
Kendi, thank you so much for sharing this. I wish I could hug you right now because last year, I was going through a situation very similar to yours.
“There is something else I’ve realized in my struggle: life is good. I’ve confused ambition with dissatisfaction. Ambition isn’t something that sets out to destroy, it’s something that sets out to create.” That sent chills down my spine because I was in a job for two years that, while it gave me a level of professional status, provided me with wonderful experience, and brought me to meet some of my best friends, it drained me of everything I loved about myself to the point that I did have to do the same thing as you and seek help. It was the best decision I ever made and I’m thrilled you are getting what you need too.
You’re not alone in this at all and if you ever need anything, just let me know =D
You are a brave and beautiful person! (I know you probably can’t see that now, but some day you will.) The sunshine is headed your way.
Dear Kendi,
I empathize with you as I have suffered from severe panic attacks since I was 20 years old. A difficult relationship in my early 20s triggered panic attacks so severe, I would be rushed to the ER out of fear that I was having a seizure or a stroke. Like you, I was always (and have always been) obsessed with ‘what’s next.’ Marriage, professional career, keeping up financially and obsessing over how much I’m saving vs. spending; the inability for me to just be content with the here and now and what I’ve got and not worry so much about the ‘small stuff’…now I am obsessed with the fear of having a baby. (these are personal experiences…not that you have the same worries, but I empathize with the anxiety bit.) The unknown is something that is extremely difficult for me, too. Know that you are not alone. My genetic makeup points to the fact that my parents (mostly dad) and grandparents suffered from the same form of panic and anxiety for most of their lives. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this time. Know that what you are going through is very common and you are not alone.
With blessings,
Natalie
Hi, sweetie! I’m an old reader but I’ve never left a message before. I admire not only your incredible sense of fashion but your sense of humor also. So sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult time in you life. However, as a 29-year-old woman who’s suffered from anxiety, depression and OCD my whole life, I can tell you (for sure) that this is going to get better, I promise you. You are seeing a doctor and seeking help from your loved ones, that’s the beginning of the cure process 🙂 I hope you get better soon! Cheers from Brazil!
Kendi, you are an inspiration. Too many people (women especially) try to project these perfect images of a non-stressful, fun-filled life and although it’s good to see these happy images, it also makes the viewer depressed that their life isn’t as glamourous. Thank you so much for sharing your real life; it’s refreshing to see a real person on the internet, not just someone in cute clothes. Keep doing what you’re doing and the right people will support you no matter what.
<3
Quite simply, thank you for sharing this. It’s so refreshing to hear honesty and true feelings! Thank you again and hang in there, it definitely gets better. 🙂
Thank you so much Kendi for opening up your heart and sharing this story with us. I’m glad you were able to overcome your fear and finally posted this. I believe most of us go through different levels of depression and of course it’s so hard to get out of it and keep going when all you want to do is cry and not be bothered by anyone. What has helped me tremendously is reading specifically Buddhism books two books that I recommend are The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler and Fear by Thich Nhat Hahn. I wish you the best 🙂
Thank you, Kendi for posting this- beautifully written. Thank you for being brave. I have read your posts daily for years and will continue to do so! xo- Kristine
Know there are others out there that feel that feel the very same way you do. It says a lot for you to be able to share it with us, and know going forward, talking about it will get easier It’s a learning process. xoxoxo Ashley
I don’t often comment on my favorite blogs, even if I read them every day. But I need to comment on this, to say thank you Kendi. For being honest and real. Reading fashion blogs and lifestyle blogs and seeing pretty things every day…it has often made me feel like I need to stop, because my life counldn’t/can’t compare. But reading this reminded me that you are human. That you are all human and that we share many similarities, anxieties, and more.
So thank’s again for being honest and human Kendi. You Rock.
Bravo for opening up. I’ve always wanted to hear more, not less, about your life. I have huge compassion for what you are dealing with and am glad you have a great support system (your family) and have gone to the doctors for help. Best wishes to you… my very favorite blogger 🙂
Vulnerability is always hard to put forth, especially when you judge yourself harshly. And, I’m sure this comment thread will blow up with support for you. Let me just add that I undertand exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve embarked on a new business recently and felt like I’ve lost myself. It’s hard and you always feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle to just get back the smallest of comforts with depression. I sincerely wish you the best figuring out what will bring you into a brighter place.
I started visiting every day to see the clothes and for inspiration in my own wardrobe. I kept coming because I liked YOU, the person and your voice. Now, you’re even more of an inspiration. Hang in there Kendi. hugs and love coming your way.
Thank you for sharing. Depression is a beast I’ve struggled to conquer as well. It’s an uphill battle, but made easier with the help of loved ones – of which I know you have an abundance. Including those who loves your blog. Hang in there, Kendi. Prayers headed your way.
Thank you for sharking this post, Kendi. I can only imagine how difficult it was to hit “publish” but I’m so glad you did. Life isn’t all puppy dogs and rainbows, but sometimes its hard to admit that to yourself (especially if you’re a perfectionist!). And with all of the illusions that bloggers, celebrities, the media, etc, put out there about life being happy and cheerful all the time, it’s nice to see some realness. You’re so brave for opening up, and I hope you continue to do so (although, I love your outfit posts too!!). I also hope we hear more about Bloom and your accomplishments! Glad you’re feeling better 🙂
Kendi, I read this with tears in my eyes. You are so brave so share your life with us. I know how you feel. I have been there.
Hi!
I follow a lot of fashion blogs. I don’t know if I’m fashionable or not, but I sure try. What I do know is that sometimes I think to myself “it can’t all be perfect, these beautiful lives I see on the internet” I look in my own closet and some of my clothes are faded, torn..really cheap. But then I look in my proverbial closet (aka, myself..HA, I’m funny toooo;)) and I think I’m.a.hot.freakin’.mess. And then the dark clouds come for a while, but they always clear. For someone who always wants to be better, who really does thrive when she’s smiling from the inside, the cloud will always lift, I truly believe this. Thanks for sharing your messy closet. I still think it’s nice to know that no matter the mess on the inside, you can do something for yourself, care about yourself and get dressed. I’m happy to hear you’ve visited a Dr. This life we live in is too hard to handle on our own. Embrace sadness and look forward to the clearing!
Kudos to you for sharing. I was visiting my parents last weekend in TX and we finally made it over to Bloom. I was bummed that you weren’t there but your husband and employee were super friendly and helpful! 🙂
Hi Bri!
B told me about you 🙂 I’m sorry I wasn’t there either, but thank you for stoping in. I hope you got some pretty new things.
May your clean slate start today. Thank you for being such a fine example of a BRAVE woman. We all have different battles we are fighting. I love how you said. “It’s a choice to be present and thankful”. Sometimes that is the only choice we have! God Bless!
I think we have all wondered: how does she do it all and still look that good? I always assume that a blog never reveals everything about a person, and that there are some things you deserve to keep to yourself.
That said, thank you for your courageous sharing. I feel like we’re long-time friends because of your presence here and I want to give you a virtual hug of encouragement for doing so much, following your dreams, and working through some difficult struggles in the process.
So brave of you to write this post! I hope you found it reassuring and therapeutic. I have suffered at different times in my life, too, with panic attacks and anxiety. The important thing to know is that those bumps in the road come and go and that there is always way more beautiful times ahead. I hope you feel better each day until this rough road turns into a distant memory.
*Standing ovation*
I was recently told that my longtime readers sometimes feel like they don’t KNOW me, and so today I wrote a post opening up about some of the more serious parts of my life. It was terrifying so I can’t imagine how it must’ve felt for you to write this. But I CAN imagine how many people you’re going to be helping. I tend to fall victim too to letting the blog be a shiny and happy place when we all know that isn’t life all the time. I’m wishing you lots of love and luck in your healing process.
I won’t lie that I started visiting this blog for the outfits/fashion. But what’s kept me coming back is your voice/humor. Noone is perfect and its fine to hit speed bumps. I really hope you get the help you need and feel better. You’re beautiful both inside and out!
Oh Kendi, if I’m being honest I’ve been a little sad over the last few years watching the real you drift away from the blog. And while I LOVE LOVE your humor and think you’re the funniest person ever, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the real you even more. And I think all your readers can attest to that. The real you, good and bad, happy and sad, is what brought your readers here, and what has kept them around for so long. Not the clothes, although they are so very cute.
Welcome back, Kendi, we’re here and ready for whatever you need to say, this is your space, after all.
Thank you for sharing, you da best.
It is sad that you felt you couldnt share your successes for fear of bieng judged. People need to be happy for each other in good times and realize we never know what the bad times may have been. I think you are truly inspiring and thank you for sharing this!
Yeah, you know honestly I think it was more of me being in my way than others. I think it’s just something I had to learn for myself, you know? If I had to do it all over again, I’d shout it from the rooftops but I can’t go back. But hopefully I can move forward without fear of sharing the good and hiding the bad.
Thank you for your sweet comment.
Dearest Kendi, isn’t blogging weird but amazing because you have these “friends” that you’ve never met who want nothing but good things for you and your life. Everyone struggles to balance everything in life and find happiness. Your honesty and sense of humor are always so refreshing and my advice to you (since I’ve been alive 10 years longer- I feel qualified to give you advice:)) is to eliminate (either temporarily or permanently) whatever isn’t contributing to your long-term goals and happiness. Sometimes we feel “trapped” because we started doing something that we once loved and people expect us to keep going, but if we’re honest with ourselves, it’s no longer a source of joy- but one of stress or anxiety. Cut that out. Trim the fat. Don’t worry about disappointing anyone. Those who love you will still love you and be proud of you and be there for you. Take care of your health- physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual- and work outward from a healthy self. Best of luck in everything and I kinda hope I don’t see a post from you in a while so you can relax a little and decompress 🙂
~Karen
As one of my style inspirations, you and your blog brighten my day. But, as I know all too well, there is always two sides to each story. I am right there with you girl – I’ve juggled full time working mother, divorcee, a 2nd marriage, a new home, a small business – and while I can maintain a good “face” 95% of the time, 95% of that time is spent wondering if I will fail. I’ve juggled all that AND depression. And with depression came the panic attacks/anxiety. You should be proud of what you do/have done – and those of us who follow you should be proud you trusted us to know your story’s “other side”. Be well, be strong, be you!
Hugs hugs hugs! Thank you for sharing. Here’s hoping you get in a better state soon. Anyone can look cute in clothes, but it is the personality that keeps us coming back. Lots of love to you!
Thanks for sharing Kendi. I have also suffered from similar bouts of depression, managing to look happy on the outside, but sad on the inside. I think its powerful to let it out, let people support you and realize that there is always going to bad (I am working on accepting this + trying not to make everything perfect), so let’s just try to focus on the good (most of the time). You are lovely and wonderful and here’s to a clean slate! <3<3<3
Take some time. Get well. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for sharing your story. We are all here for YOU, not just your clothes (although those are always fab). Your honesty took a lot of courage, so thank you.
Not to sound super cheesy, but have you heard the song “Who You Are” by Jessie J? In it she says “it’s ok not to be ok”. I think just a few simple words in that sentence speaks volumes. 🙂
xo, Yi-chia
Always Maylee
You are SO BRAVE! Thank you, thank you. I’ve been reading since you started- tracked your move back to North Texas- watched you open a shop- and I had no idea, but as I was navigating depression and anxiety and meds and marriage and panic attacks and blah blah blah- so WAS I! So weird! I must have seen it in your eyes 🙂 I’m so proud of you, Girl. Way to kick ass and carry on. ” Ambition isn’t something that sets out to destroy, it’s something that sets out to create.” — uh hello? Yoda? I’ve been reading all of these years and I didn’t know how well you could write or how wise you are! I’m thanking God for you, your hard-working spirit, your amazing husband, and your COURAGE! So proud of you, Kendi!
Kendi! We love you and your blog!! Hang in there it will get better…we are all here for you to vent to! I am so inspired by what you do daily…opening a shop…maintaining a blog..and a marriage. You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. If you are ever in the DC area…stop on over…we’ll have some wine…and vent about life’s ridiculousness
xo
A
I love everything about this post.
I remember being very confused when you didn’t share and celebrate bloom when you opened it and now I can see that I was picking up on little pieces of this slipping in.
I really respect you writing this post and explaining everything to all of us but, really, I respect you most for being honest with yourself.
Good luck.
Thank you, thank you. I have never commented before, but I am a longtime reader. I have generalized anxiety disorder and so many of the feelings you’ve shared resonate with me. I hate that you are dealing with depression and anxiety, but I cannot thank you enough for telling your story. You’re very brave, and you’re not alone.
Kendi, though I only “know” you through this small window in blog land, I’m proud of you! I think your story reflects that of many women and the struggle to balance ambition, pride, perfection and reality. As someone prone to anxiety myself, a huge web-hug and thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. And humor. Most of all the humor 🙂
I also wanted to offer up a book I haven’t yet read, but heard good things about: “Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving” by Harriet Lerner
Other people have said it better already, so I’ll just say you are awesome for writing this.
You are so, so brave for sharing this with us. I pray that you continue healing and seeing the light in the shadows.
Thank you for being so brave such a difficult thing to share. We’re listening, we care… and we support you!
Serious kudos to you for sharing your story. I think people often forget that, behind the pretty clothes and well put together outfits, bloggers are people too. It takes so much strength to realize that something is wrong and you are not where you want to be emotionally…and then do something to fix it. Remember that you have so many people who care about you, and don’t be afraid to lean on them. Getting better is your top priority, and we’ll all still be here when you’re ready.
xo
Sam
Sweet Kendi, you’re already on the mend. This community adores you, all parts of you, and that includes cheering you on when you feel like you’re up to your eyeballs in ick. Fall apart a little, do your best to try again, but don’t lose sight of YOU.
you’re doing the right thing.
Thank you so much for sharing! yours is the first blog I’ve ever followed and (this sounds weird) but you felt distant for a while. Happy to see/hear the real you! I too started seeing a doctor recently and it made me realize that I need to let go and live. And let others live as well, because I found myself so often trying to help everyone else and putting my needs last. Keep true to you and your husband of course. He loves you a whole lot – I bet that’s why he took you on a getaway vacation!
That doesn’t sound weird at all. I always felt a little guilty when I would post a simple post, wondering if people could tell. If I felt or sounded distant, so yeah I gotcha.
I agree on the live and let go. It’s hard to do, but probably one of the best lessons I could ever learn. I’m not there yet, but hopefully will be!
Thank you for the comment, Kara 🙂
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing. This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Without getting into too many details, I too struggle with anxiety and over the past few weeks it has come to a head. It has begun to affect my marriage and other aspects of my life and I am now in the process of getting help. Your words have helped to encourage me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or that there are two sides to every story – because we think we’re the only one struggling with these sorts of things. But it happens to the best of us. I too have realized that happiness is a choice and in the past I have chosen not to live this way. My husband has helped to make me realize that I need to choose the happiness road since I have so much in life to be thankful for. So I just wanted to say thank you for writing this post. Just reading it has helped me even more than you know and in some weird way I feel comforted to know that I am not alone in the things that I feel…so thank you, your words mean a lot to me. 🙂
Megan
budgetfashion101.blogspot.ca
That took so much courage and I hope it aids in your road of healing! Thank you for that as it really spoke to me as well in a place of discontentment and feeling futile.
i know this is from a faceless blogstalker but! kendi, you are loved. you do so much good. keep going. thankful for YOU.
Kendi,
Your blog was the first I ever followed…thanks for being so brave and sharing. We love you, take the time to do what is right for you in your life. Depression is a difficult road to navigate; I hope for only the best for you.
Thank you for sharing this. We all have our own story and way, and I appreciate anything you ever want to share. I can’t believe I’ve been reading this blog for years now! I have always loved getting inspiration from your style, but I have also liked learning about your life when you choose to share. I’m glad you have been getting help and that you’re feeling better. You never have anything for which to be ashamed! I hope you continue to be able to enjoy life! I’ll be here reading and gaining inspiration as long as you choose to give it.
Never be afraid to be honest or to not sugar coat everything! I think we can all safely say that we have had down points or have even been in the same position! In fact when you moved from dallas i completely understand that feeling cause I did it myself and spent months unemployed in a town I didn’t know freaking out! and i have had panic attacks, they are so incredibly horrible!
But I really want you to know how incredibly proud you should be of those good things that you have achieved you have certainly been a huge inspiration to me – you encouraged me to take the leap of getting my partners i.t business of the ground and just going for things. also knowing that there is more to life than a job your not fond of!
You are an incredible person and panic attacks and needing to take a break doesn’t detract from the wonderful person you are and we as your readers have come to know and love. We miss the real and honest kendi! I certainly come here more for your stories, your personality more than anything else. You make kendi everyday/Bloom the success that it is and deserves to be!
You’ve certainly inspired me big time and if that’s just one person and remember your doing great! If there wasn’t hiccups along the way i think I would be more worried!
keep going far more amazing things to come!
Jennx
Kendi,
Thanks so much for sharing and being transparent about what has been going on in your life. I think so many of your readers, myself included, can relate to feelings of depression and anxiety. I read this blog because you have amazing style, wit, but mostly your natural ability to relate others. Very thankful for hearing your story and hoping that you continue to get stronger everyday. Stay real it works for you!
Dear Kendi, I’m proud of you for making a choice to look for the light instead of shadows. Keep making that choice every day!
Good job, girl. So many people struggle with depression and it makes me mad that it is not talked about more. More light needs to be shed on this issue. Your bravery sharing here is a blessing to others going through your same struggle, and those who have people in their lives who are struggling. <3
That was an incredibly inspiring post. As someone who has also struggled with accepting that I deal with the same types of things, your bravery for sharing something that Ive always kept so private is something I stand up and applaud.
I do come to see your pretty outfits, but I would LOVE to hear more about your life. You’re an incredible writer and and I love your words as much as your pictures. Good luck and keep on going!
Hello, Kendi!
Thank you for writing this post.
Everyone needs to cry sometimes, not always laugh. We shouldn’t block our negative emotions. Hope you’ll be o’k 🙂
Thank you for being so brave. Honesty is the most frightening thing one can accomplish. I have not struggled with depression, but I do struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. I am so grateful to have a wonderful therapist and a supportive family, but I’m also grateful for the brave honesty you’ve demonstrated. I’m proud of the work I’ve done to manage and treat my anxiety, but I’m also very proud of your determination and effort to really, truly live and exist as yourself. Thank you. (I’m a very huggy person, so *hug*!)
i don’t ever comment but laugh out loud at every one of your posts! there have been other style blogs i’ve tried to follow but even with perfect clothes, they seem boring or too surface. I’ve always appreciated your personality that comes out in your writing. true, honest, hilarious. Thanks for sharing the hard stuff and being real. praying for you! depression is such a hard thing and only god can truly heal you of it!
I’ve been a long time reader but never commented, until now. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing, it’s so very brave of you!
Thank you for this. Thank you for being so transparent, thank you for including us “readers” in your life. Thank you for the inspiration. Thank you for making life okay. Blogs can feel like lies sometimes, and you just made your the truth. I like truth. Thank you for truthiness.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I have loved your blog for a while and have always wondered why you didn’t share more, why it was so much surface stuff. This may sound corny, but I am excited to see more of your personality on here. And I am really glad you are getting some help – as a panic attack sufferer, those things are no joke!
I’ve always loved your blog and have wished for more ‘you’ posts. Yes, I love the pretty pictures, I just love when people are real. I’m glad you’re feeling better and better and I hope to learn more about the ‘personal side of you.’
I have never met you in real-life, but we have similar souls. I’m actually sitting here in tears because I have been there, I lived there. All I can tell you is it will get better and it takes time. *hugs*
Oh Kendi!! You are amazing. We love you no matter what. Thank you for sharing this. I am sure it was difficult, but it was beautiful. We want to share in your joys and sorrows. I feel like I know you even though we’ve never met, and likely never will. Hang in there, girl. It’s all going to be ok.
My mom, who is in the healthcare profession, has been struggling with depression for years. Some days I can tell she’s wrestling with issues, some days she hides it so well that I think she’s completely better. The one thing she did to help herself was go to a therapist. She refused the pills and she refused going to the doctor, since she’s basically one herself.
She doesn’t like to brag about her accomplishments as a professor, or all the volunteer work she does in the free clinic and a local homeless shelter. But she completely lights up when she talks about it. And she has a reason to! Just like you have a reason to. You’re doing something you completely love; something you can be proud of.
I love, love looking at the pictures of your outfits, but I love reading what you’ve written at the bottom of each post even more. Your personality comes out through your writing- almost like I can hear someone directly saying your sentences to me. I admire so much that you’ve opened up your own store; it’s a far off dream for me, but you’ve actually done it. You’re truly an inspiration. Very truly. Be proud of yourself and know you’ve done things of which others can only dream.
I’ve never commented before, but I’ve read your blog for years, and as a fellow 28-year old who is constantly creatively road-blocked by my own fear, anxiety and depression (I took violin, not piano, haha), I commend you on being so forward and honest. May you find the healthy balance you very clearly deserve. Thank you 🙂
oh gosh, i know you’re probably getting absolutely flooded with comments now (and for good reason!), but i just figured i’d add my two cents as well.
this is my first time ever commenting (i’m sorry! not for lack of interest in your posts; i’m just a passive blog reader). this post really moved me. i find myself often questioning why i religiously pay attention to so many fashion/style-oriented blogs since most are usually so vapid and devoid of real substance (i won’t name names…). this post re-confirmed for me that there actually are some genuinely great bloggers out there who truly respect their followers and want to keep things real. you are without a doubt one of my most favorite bloggers ever.
i applaud you for taking a huge risk by sharing such dark, personal thoughts with complete strangers who look up to you so much (i know i do, anyway). not that i didn’t respect you before this, but i definitely respect you as a blogger and as a person even more now.
as i read this, i found myself relating to a lot of what you said. no, i don’t own a store or run a successful blog, but lately i find myself trying to deny any dark thoughts that come my way for fear of exposing my unhappiness to others. it’s so refreshing that you ignored all the blogger “taboos” and just put it all out there. i sincerely hope you feel comfortable enough to share more about your personal life/bloom/etc. in the future, as i’m sure most (if not all) readers here feel the same way.
thank you again, kendi. be well!
Hugs from your kid who just had a kid. Take many breaks and don’t feel obligated to Anyone but yourself:) I hope you can feel my hugs all the way from Houston:)
I feel them Reiko!! Give that sweet baby a kiss for me 🙂
Kendi-
Thank you for sharing your story! I deal with the anxiety side of the shadows. And goodness, is it not a lonely place to be! I have an amazing husband who, like yours, is so gracious and helpful. He has become the best help, along with prayer! It’s strange how when you read a blog for years, you feel as though you are friends with the writer, which, I think is to your credit. Thanks again for sharing your story! I hope that sharing it helps you to heal and move more toward the light. I do pray that you get there quickly and are able to stay there.
emily
Kendi,
I don’t know what else to say except I love your blog, your style, and your sense of humor. I will be praying for you! And I have been working on the things I am fearful of doing/sharing as well so thank you for being brave and inspiring me to do the same!
Dear Kendi,
I am 27 and have been struggling with depression since I was 12. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this with us. I hope this dark time passes quickly.
Alex
Hi Alex:
That’s a long time to deal with depression, friend. I hope you read through the comments as though they are speaking to you, too. It’s nice to see so many others suffer but also conquer depression.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Kendi
A blog is tricky and something I obviously struggle with as I haven’t posted on mine in months because of my own fear but I’m a huge supporter of bloggers. Yours, my dear, is one of the few I never miss a post. Anxiety & depression are hard struggles; panic attacks are awful. Take some time to find some peace in your mind and your heart. We’re here Kendi! Not just to see your cute face and fearless fashion but to hear your story.
Needed this. Thanks for sharing.
Kendi, this is a beyond amazing post! Giving you a huge virtual hug right now, and mind you I am NOT a hugger.
I love that you can open up and show a raw side of you that makes you human just like the rest of us. We all worry and fret..I know I do at least, I am an over-analyzer at heart. I look forward to more posts from you, whether they are silly or raw.
Best wishes on your journey! I’ll be here right along with you reading every post. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hey, girl – thank you for your “clean slate” sharing. I have always been a HIGHLY emotional person, but it wasn’t till two years ago due to incredible family stress that I really broke down and had (it felt like) a two week-long panic attack. I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t eat and couldn’t function, but it wasn’t until a dear friend told me that she herself struggled with anxiety that I was able to go and get help. I still have bad days (today’s actually been a doozy) but I am so much better due to the grace of God, some good therapy, and a prescription from my doctor.
Anytime someone brave like you shares her struggles, you encourage someone else to be brave and get help.
Hang in there.
Bravo, Kendi. I feel like you took the mix of barbed wire out of my head the past 8 months and spit in into this post. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story. Continue to be strong, but honest and real. Honesty and humility and reality–those are the true pillars of strength (as I am slowly but surely finding out myself). I love your blog, and I would continue to read with or without the style. 😉
Take care.
I know it’s been said several times already, but I have to agree this post was one of my favorites. I can relate and it can be a very dark hole to be in. Thank you for sharing this and letting us all know that we are here to help each other and the only way to do this is to speak out loud what we need. Again thank you so much for all of this.
Thank you. This is why you’re my favorite blogger. xo
Thank you for being so fearless and sharing your story! You are inspiring us all to live our truest selves. Thank you for reminding us that there is beauty in the darkness, and that is it ok to accept both sides of yourself. I hope that this blog will be a safe place for you to share more of who you really are. Love,
Vio
Kendi, you are such an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that a bunch of people feel the same way you do. I know that I do at some points in my life. Remember you only have one life – live it to the happiest! Thinking of you and send warm and fuzzy thoughts your way! Thanks for always being an inspiration!
xoxo,
Laura
In addition to being incredibly creative and passionate, you are also very brave. Thank you for sharing your story and know that all your reader’s thoughts are with you during this process!
Thank you for sharing that with us! So powerful.
What an incredibly brave thing you’ve done by sharing your story. I don’t know you personally, I live hundreds of miles away, yet through your blog I feel like your one of my best friends. I pray you’ll find comfort and can move forward in your incredible journey.
Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your struggles. As someone that also deals with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, I know how crippling and life altering it can be. Thank you for opening up to us and being so honest.
I’m impressed by your courage to write this post. Thank you for your honesty! It feels good to read something about the human behind the blog so you can realize, that the life shown here is realy only a snapshot of the whole person and her life and experiences.
(I had my first panic attack and what I believe is a depression last winter and can only now slowly start to talk about it to my close family and friends, so thank you for making me feel less weird and giving me a tiny bit more courage.)
I can relate! Thank you for sharing, Kendi. I hope that you will be able to find a balance and hopefully prioritize all of your responsibilities. Your health comes first.
{{hugs}} to you. thanks for sharing an often “swept under the carpet” topic. It was beautifully written.
Hi Kendi!
As someone who deals with depression everyday, I completely understand how you feel! But I think you should know, that you are inspiration to not only me, but probably most of your readers. Not because of what you wear, but because of your ability to be humble, funny, and hardworking. And for what you wear, because, well, your style is fantastic!
-Meghan
meghanbanke.com
This is why I’ve been coming to your blog for years. You are the most refreshing blogger out there. Thank you.
You are amongst friends, and I hope you feel our support through the world wide web. Your blog brings a lot of joy to a lot of people, but the most important person you need to be concerned about bringing joy to is yourself. You rule.
I was that kid that wrote emo poems and in my college years had extreme anxiety, and as an adult still struggle with depression and anxiety. Thank you for sharing this part of you with us. There are so many people out there who know how you feel and are supporting you.
I’m glad we have those poems in common. Thank you for the support, friend.
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been a lurker for a little while, but I wanted to express how much I appreciate your honesty, and I’m glad you have made steps to get help. Your bravery really helps others, including myself, feel like they aren’t alone with their own anxieties or struggles.
http://startingwithaspark.com
I was 5 months pregnant with my first and only child when my mom died of breast cancer. My husband and friends used to think I was ok with an occasional ‘bad’ day. In reality, I was depressed EVERY day and occasionally had a ‘good’ day. Not until you have gone through depression can you truly understand what it feels like. How you CAN’T just ‘snap out of it’.
I have been a long time reader of your blog and I have never commented on a blog before, but I wanted to commend you for your post. It’s a very difficult thing to talk/write about for sure! I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing.
(Therapy and Zoloft helped me through that rough period)
I’m so sorry about your mother. That must have been extremely hard to deal with, and while you were pregnant.
I totally agree with you. I’ve felt like I almost have to convince people that no, really I’m depressed not just sad. I’ve had a lot of people mention therapy or counseling, so thank you for suggesting it. It might be something to look into!
Thank you again for your comment and encouragement.
Thank you for sharing that. I don’t find inspiration in just the clothes you wear, or your hard work and dedication to your store – it’s in everything you write (especially the “bad” puns that I love so much). I hope more light streams into the shadows for you.
Lots of love and hugs to you.
Thank you for sharing, Kendi! Your bravery means so much to us. Also I can totally relate, and this post came at a really good time for me. Good luck with finding more balance in your life. You have so many supporters!
Honesty is a beautiful accessory. We don’t just come for the clothes, we come for you & I for one am honored that you opened up and let us in. Makes us all feel more normal & that being real & vulnerable is just as beautiful as the clothes we wear
Last week, for the first time I was able to tell people that despite everything being good in my life (yes, there is stress, but everything is good), the physical pain that depression causes was just too much to bear. All I wanted to do was cry, but I instead reached out and am getting the help I need.
Thank you so very much for your words. I’m so happy you’re getting the help you need.
Here’s to sunshine AND rain.
Behind you all the way, Kendi! I know the feeling of depression and have dealt with it for a long time, but just know you’re supported here on the interwebs! I love the funny stuff but this stuff is important too!
I don’t know you, but I have a strong suspicion that you are absolutely amazing. I completely relate to your mental health history (sad poems in a closet at my parents’ house, check, emo music for my 20s, check) and to your ambition. I recently decided to step away from my PhD program because it was all too much and I decided I’d rather focus on the rest of my life. You have to put yourself first; no one else will.
I love your blog and everything you have to write. I look and dress nothing like you and wouldn’t even be able to fit into anything you sell at Bloom, but I still love looking and admiring the outfits you put together, the combinations you create that I would never think to.
Thank you for sharing more with us. I hope it helps you and I hope you feel freer to share more going forward.
I look up to you so much. You are honest, strong, hardworking, beautiful, funny, and have great style. You inspired me to start my own blog and reach for my dreams. Thank you for sharing.
Depression is a witch to deal with. Take care of yourself. *Hugs*
And on a funnier note…my hubby and I were traveling 6 hours with our 1 year old to see family. I get extremely anxious when things are out of the norm, aka, my whiney son in a car ride. I went to get a drink in a gas station because it was my turn to drive and the attendant told me my total which was $2.05…I sat staring at the change in my wallet and couldn’t think if a nickel was 5 cents! The attendant looked at me, and asked if I was okay. I looked back at him, clicked that a nickel is 5 cents and said, yes, but I am just traveling with a 1 year old. sigh! you are not alone!
Haha I do that with change all the time in the shop! I don’t have a one year old but lots of people stress me out. When someone gives me cash, it takes me a second and I always question what is going on in my head. Should I be worried that as an adult I can’t make out change? But change is hard, okay? 🙂
I LOVE your honesty and your ability to use your blog as a platform to elevate our ‘conversation’ to things that are a bit deeper than pleated skirts. you are truly an inspiration. bravo.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I also am dealing with depression and anxiety and know how hard it is to talk about. I’ve followed your blog for years and felt like it had changed in the last while – a little more distant. I’m glad to hear that you are getting the help you deserve.
You are truly inspirational! The things that you have struggled with is something that hits very close to home. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Being only 16, you have become someone who I look up to! You are such a strong and courageous person. Again, thank you so much for opening up to us!
Wow! Thank you for sharing. I hope that post was cathartic for you. A friend of mine shared this and, since I enjoy her blog, I thought I would check it out. Needless to say, I was on the edge of my seat the entire post. You sound like such a creative and talented young woman and I hope your journey with this disease/condition brings you to a better place. Much luck to you. I am sending prayers your way.
I spend a huge portion of my day reading blogs and writing my own. Yours is hands down my favorite. I can always depend on your blog to make me laugh, and I’ve been almost envious of your never-ceasing humor. But this made you “real,” and I respect and love (in a non-creepy way) that you did this. I’m cheering for you at the top of my lungs!
Kendi, I own a boutique in Myrtle Beach, SC and I have been a dedicated reader for about three years now–I honestly do not know how you do it! I too work seven days a week at the store and I’m lucky if I have enough time to wash my hair in the morning (curling is completely out of the question)–yet, you still manage to look amazing everyday! Being a control freak and being your own boss can create an everyday battle with yourself; never content with what you have and always aiming to improve, it’s stressful and it’s hard to take a step back and look at what you have. You should be incredibly proud of your accomplishment, you own a boutique (an adorable boutique) and that is HUGE!!
Most people don’t realize how much work goes into that, all the stress of having to go to market and pick out clothes months in advance, not knowing how customers will respond to them–or all the bills and stress that go along with the store: insurance, electricity, and paying that horrible sales tax! All they see is how fabulous your store is and how cute you look everyday. It’s okay to be sad and stressed and feel completely overwhelmed with life, especially when you already have the added pressure that you put on yourself by being a perfectionist! I TOTALLY understand. But you should know that while you may have your perfect vision of what you want Bloom to be (it may already be your dream store but if you are the over-achiever I am, I’m sure you have a “goal dream store”) Bloom is fantastic already and I have said to myself a thousand times “maybe one day my store will look like Bloom.” So from one control-freak-boutique-owner to another, you should take a step back and bask in what you’ve already accomplished, because it is absolutely something to be proud of!!
Thank you for sharing this little part of your life with us. You are an inspiration.
Hannah | gallery. Boutique
http://www.facebook.com/galleryboutique
http://www.shopgallerystyle.com
Cheering you on! Sending you light and love. This took courage and your courage rocks! Hang in there, it will get better and better.
Wow, Kendi. I’ve been following your blog for almost four years, and have always appreciated you for being positive and fun, but also for being real. Your posts have always been humorous, but with a bent toward being relatable in your personal fears and self-image. This can only add more depth for me and the rest of your readers. Thanks for being so brave and honest about what you’ve been through. We love the whole you – the style and the girl that wears it. That’s true beauty, cliche as it sounds.
Kendi – You are so brave to share your struggles with depression and anxiety. I’ve dealt with it my entire life, and I really believe that the more we can be open about depression, instead of hiding it, the easier the healing will be. I like to say my depression is in “remission.” In a way, it’s sort of like alcoholism in that it is a disease I will always have, and there’s always the possibility that it will come back. I think finding balance in our lives is key to keeping it in remission. I know that’s hard to do when you’re a smart, ambitious person–I used to be a total workaholic. I hope that you are able to find balance in your life.
I really recommend seeing a therapist in addition to going to your doctor. A therapist can help you work through your control issues and learn some coping techniques for handling your anxiety when you feel it coming on. They say that medication in combination with therapy is the best way to get rid of depression and keep it from coming back. Best of luck!
Oh, and by the way, I totally adore your blog. I haven’t found a single other fashion blog that can even bat an eye at yours.
Oh Kendi, I am so proud of you for sharing this. I rarely comment, but read your blog daily and love it. I too, write a blog (a interior design blog) and also went through a despression for some personal reasons just over a year ago. I had also suffered depression as a young adult, and feared it might come back. I actually stopped blogging for over 6 months, so I could get things back on track, and honestly, it helped. I now love the blog again, am doing much better and with the help of some good friends and family am doing fine. Not everyone understood what I went through (and I did lose a few friends in the process), but what mattered most to me, was my family and my good friends. Do what you need to do for YOU, and those people who matter will understand. The blog will always be here, the store will always be there, whats most important right now is YOU. Behind you all the way, a fan (and always will be!), Melissa 🙂
I’ve been reminded these days too that life isn’t about the perfect. I love following your blog and others about making a “perfect” home, pinning every style, decor, crafty thing I can imagine–but lately I’ve been feeling the overload of the surface things and a need for the deeper things of life to fill my mind. I am 37, a professor for 3 universities, I homeschool my 2 young daughters, and somehow try to keep it all together. I suffer from anxiety and have recently have had some panic attacks too. Not fun.
In the midst of that, I’ve found that I need to lean on what holds me together. To be reminded of the why instead of the what. And to slow down. Thank you for sharing your experience, as it hit me just right today. I’m not sure where you’re at with prayer, but I’ve found a lot of verses in the Bible and prayer in those moments just what I’ve needed to carry me through.
I wish you the very best!
Thank you Kendi. I’m a big fan of your blog, but I’ve always craved more from you. I often read your posts and think “I wish she said more. I wish I knew more about what she’s like.” You see, I read blogs not just to learn new things and get ideas, but to relate to people. I think all of your readers understand there is a real person behind the blog, and that is what we are looking for – REAL. I actually get annoyed when blogs try to present life or circumstances as perfect, because we ALL know it’s NOT. So let it all hang out, because that’s what we’re waiting for!! Very best wishes, and looking forward to knowing and learning more about the real Kendi. 🙂
That was really brave of you to share this piece of your life with us. I thank you for that. Sometimes we look at these blogs and envy what amazing lives you must lead. After awhile bloggers can become almost like idols we place on pedestals. Posts like these remind us that you too are humans and have your down times as well. Stress is never good and sometimes we just need to step back and take a break. Just remember why you’re working so hard and don’t forget to enjoy those small life moments. I gotta say I love your blog. Your sense of humour and sarcasm kills me. Keep up the good work girl!
Wow, you are getting a million comments a minute! 🙂 Thanks so much for your vunerability. You are so lovable! As I read this, the first thing that popped into my mind is this book that I’m reading right now, “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I’m only a couple chapters into it, but it’s already changing my life. It’s kind of a Christian book, and I don’t know what your beliefs are, but, knowing your writing style and your zest for life, I think I you might love it like I do. And, don’t let the cheesy title/cover fool you 😉
Kendi – Thank you for sharing and being real. 🙂
I was also going to mention “One Thousand Gifts,” as Megan does above. It definitely is a push to pursue and acknowledge all of the GOOD that comes from above.
you. are. AWESOME.
praying for you from a far.
may God’s peace and love reach down into the deep parts of your heart and soul and comfort and repair.
Thank you so very much for speaking on this..I have been up and down since my Mom died in 2007. I have not shared with anyone outside my immediate family because it can be hard to talk about.Thank you again…Many people are cheering you on….
Kendi, I don’t follow you for your style or your clothes. Honestly, I could take ’em or leave ’em. I follow you for your candid, funny and smart self.
You capture what I admire about real life. Almost all other bloggers I follow have this veil through which their genuine nature hides. And the ones that put it at the forefront – well, it just feels feigned and forced. You strike that balance of the ordinary. And I mean that in a good way; normal and steady, ebbing and flowing. Life ebbs and flows.
Anxiety is one of the worst feelings – I had a conversation about it this very morning with my roommate. I would rather feel complete sadness because at least with sadness, there was a resolution. Anxiety doesn’t have any kind of resolution which leaves our minds to fill in the gaps – perpetually shifting scenarios and questioning everything. It’s a trap.
For what it’s worth, I am finding that the more I trim back in my life – in all areas – the less anxious I am. For example, I used to be clothing-obsessed up until a few years ago and I slowly ditched it. It was overwhelming and kept me from enjoying the day-to-day. Now, I follow folks like you and I pin. I thrift/shop every now and then and keep my closet to the essentials with routine purges. My life is fuller. I am not saying this is a one-size-fits-all solution but it’s my experience.
One of my favorite books – “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck – opens with the line, “Life is difficult.” Even those that look like they’ve got it all figured out are struggling. It’s the great equalizer (aside from death, of course…and lines for the bathroom).
Kendi, I’m so terribly sorry that this is your struggle and your stretch of bumpy road but I know that you can come through. Lean on others, lean on yourself and keep writing those hard and clear things.
I can only imagine what dealing with something like this is like. I really admire you for sharing your story. I’m sure it’ll help a bunch of people dealing with the same thing, as well as shed light on it for those of us who aren’t. You’ve got so many supporters cheering you on, Kendi! Here’s to a clean slate!
What an inspiring post. I know many who suffer from similar conditions (anxiety, primarily) and have seen just how much it can effect your ability to truly be “you.” I think the wonderful thing about blog communities – at least for most of us – is that we LOVE “you” – whatever that might mean. I love your humor (and even this post had it, so it must be in there still) and your gorgeous expression of fashion. I think it’s wonderful (and refreshing) that you took the time to talk about such a hard time in your life. I’ve been doing a little blog soul-searching lately, also, and need to remember (you just helped!) that it’s not just about sales – or in my case “clicks” or “followers” – but that it’s about having an outlet to express your [beautiful] creativity. So bravo!
xo
seemogo.com
Thank you a million times over for this post. I’ve dealt with anxiety and panic attacks for years and was only recently able to get the courage to ask for help. Knowing that someone I look up to deals with the same problems makes it just a little bit easier. I hope you are surrounded by love right now. You deserve it. Thanks for being brave.
Amazing post!!! I love your blog and have been following it for quite some time. I LOVE your writing, you are quite talented!!! Your writing is a huge part of why I read your post! Your wit, sarcasm, honesty – I love it!!! Ever thought of writing? Check out some of Julia Cameron’s work, super helpful and healing for us creative people. Your healing process has begun!!!
…Trust me when I say I totally understand what you’re saying! I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety and severe hypochondria almost my entire life. Unfortunately, in my country (Romania), people who suffer form depression and seek medical help are often labelled as crazy or weird, so imagine what I’ve gone through as a teenager, not being able to share my problems with anyone my age… Fortunately, my parents have always been there for me (smart people), and took my hand and took me to the doctor’s office to get treated… It took several months of therapy and drugs to get me on my feet! I felt like I would never be able to have a normal life, yet here I am….Funny story, 5 years ago I had a panic attack while at the theater, I literally could’t feel my fingers anymore…so I got up and asked people to let me out of the theater hall, I was crying, felt life I couldn’t breathe …all actors on the stage stopped in the middle of the play. It was a wake up call. I knew I needed help!
Thank you for sharing! You’re a wonderful person and I’m sure you’ll be OK!
Hugs!
Mamalina
http://dresssidestory.blogspot.ro/
Thank you for this post. It’s so nice to know we aren’t alone, even if it doesn’t help much. I completely sympathize and it’s only in the last few weeks that I see myself actually coming out of it. It’s interested… I went to a concert Sunday night and the opener had a song about depression that I really empathized with, until he got to the chorus and began singing about returning to the man he used to be. But it isn’t a return to who I used to be. I think I’m coming out of this a better, stronger person, but it makes me wonder how long I’d been suffering with a milder version of what I went through in the last year.
Good luck and lots of love from a long time follower!
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi! I’ve been following your blog for about 2 years. Yours is the only style blog I follow – ironically, since we don’t have the same style. I think it is as much about the story and the great pictures as it is the clothes. You’re a great writer. This post was helpful for me because I have been dealing with many of the same feelings – throughout my life, but I constantly have that voice that says “get back up and go” – even though half the time I don’t even know where I’m “going” and certainly feel like “going”. Thank you again for all you do. I hope you continue to feel better!
Hang in there! We all love you!
I would first like to say what an inspiration you have been to me. I absolutely love fashion, yours especially, and hope to own my own store one day. But more than that I appreciate the truth you share. Although the cheerful and witty posts are always fun, it takes courage and strength to share with so many people what’s truly behind the funny posts and pretty clothes. While I love fashion, that’s not what life is all about. When you can take the clothes and really touch someone you don’t even know, that’s what liege is about. So I would like to say thank you. Thank you for touching me, someone you don’t even know, and I’m sure the many others who are following your journey as well.
This is powerful. Thank you for sharing and being authentic with your readers.
Thank you for being so brave! <3
Kendi, I’ve just picked up your blog in the last few weeks and here I sit, trying to keep face in this chaotic “perfect” life, red-faced and in tears. Thank you for sharing this, you are not alone. A lot of times I wonder how I can be so down, how I can feel so empty; I’ve got a wonderful life, my own small business, a supportive husband, an amazing family, and great friends. Yet I rarely stop to apperciate any of it, I just hurry around like a zombie. I’m really trying to stop and enjoy the small things; a cup of coffee on the porch in the morning, an evening walk with the hus, dinner with friends. But it is a struggle each and every day.
Depression and anxiety are issues that a lot of over-achievers in our generation deal with privately. We try so hard to juggle it all; when in reality, dropping a ball or two is probably for the best. I’m glad you wrote this, and I feel lucky to have read it.
I can totally relate to what you mean. It is really hard to share, online or with those around you, what you are going through if it isn’t pleasant for fear of judgment or bringing them down. I struggle with this too but my boyfriend has always said “if you can’t let those around you in, then they can’t begin to understand because they don’t know”. It is hard because you feel completely vulnerable to whatever reaction they can have, good or bad. If it’s good, great, but if it’s bad, you have no way to protect yourself. But that’s the risk you take in life, and, love you or hate you, you are you. No one else can do you better than you. Plus, I’ve found that more often than not, the ones around you instantly rally to support you once you let them.
You are incredibly brave for putting yourself out there like this and while I don’t know you, I believe in you. Keep up moving forward and, for the record, this is probably one of my favorite posts to date.
Lots of love from Oklahoma!
Thank you so much for sharing. To be honest, being the same age as you and seeing only the side of you that has it all together – it’s intimidating. I sometimes joke I’m in grad school to avoid making decisions about my future, but sometimes it’s more truth than joke. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I come here because you seem like an awesome, relatable person – and hearing (seeing?) you open up about all of you makes that even more true. Thank you for trusting us.
I feel your pain. Like you, my husband and I run and own a business together. Things can be hard. I’m constantly wondering if we have enough money, if bills have been paid, etc. It’s a constant struggle. I could’ve spent 24 hours a day/7 days a week at work. I finally started to relax when I got pregnant. It took me getting pregnant to realize that I couldn’t do it all and that i had to relinquish control. I think it’s admirable that you wrote this on your blog. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s actually refreshing. I read many blogs and constantly compare myself to these individuals that I live vicariously through. In their pictures they are always so happy and their clothes are perfect and their kids are perfect, blah, blah, blah. What I forget is that they are people too and they have problems and bad days too. It may not be apparent in their photo’s but it’s real life! I’m glad you are getting help and wish you nothing but the best!
Reading your story gives me a lot of hope. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety, and I have let it take control of my life. I moved to a new city and, rather than throwing myself into it and meeting new people, I’ve become a shut-in. I go to work (and shopping of course), but that is about it. Seeing how many great things you’ve brought into your life, despite your depression, gives me hope that I can do the same. Thanks for sharing, and I wish you the best.
Mj —
I don’t think we realize how much stress it puts on us to move to a new city and start a new job. That’s a lot of stress, but it’s like we just accept it as life now and keep moving forward. It took me a good 18 months (so like until right now) to get used to our new town and get used to our new schedule and job. For me at least, my anxiety stems from stress and I didn’t let myself deal with stress, so the anxiety grew.
Be patient and stay strong. Enjoy your life, even if it’s just something small at first. You’re in my thoughts.
Thank you for being brave enough to share. And I expect you’ll find a lot of comments like this one, which is that I have also had plenty of hard struggles with anxiety and depression at various points in my life.
Working harder than everyone else is a curse sometimes, because it makes you feel guilty when you need a break, when you can’t keep up that pace any more.
However! Don’t feel guilty. You haven’t failed. Give yourself permission to slow down. It will get better. You’re not alone. Lots of us empathize, we think you’re awesome, and we’re definitely not going away just because the blog isn’t always rainbows and sunshine and pretty clothes:)
Thank you so much for sharing. I read a few fashion blogs and I’ve always thought that the writers seem to have these perfect lives, all wrapped up in a bow, young and beautiful and perfect, and though on one hand it’s inspiring, it often makes me feel like my life isn’t good enough – like I’m not good enough. Sharing something so real and hard makes you so incredibly human to me, and it makes me feel a little bit better about my own anxiety/imperfections as well. I will continue to be a faithful reader – thank you for being so brave, for sharing your heart. I am so glad you are on the road to recovery. Keep looking for the light!
Kendi, so thankful for your honesty. As someone who also struggles with depression and anxiety, I completely relate to your suffering as well as to the difficulty in sharing. Sometimes it seems easier to put on a happy face for everyone else, but ultimately that’s just unfair to yourself. I pray for better days (or even just better moments) ahead.
So I never commented, but since I discovered your blog a year ago, I read it all. Your blog is awesome not just your style, but your comments too. It’s YOU that makes this blog so fun to read. Keep being you! Wish you the best from Argentina.
you sweet brave girl.
so proud of you for being honest. i think deep down that is what we all crave. those honest, true relationships. the good the bad the ugly. praying for you.
xo
I hate that you’re going through that horrible thing so many of us know all too well. But I love that you wrote so honestly about it. Depression is a bitch and one of the worst things about it is the manipulation. It shames you, consumes you, and fills you with doubt. But you’re right, it works in the shadows of the night and in the quiet corners of your heart. Stepping forward and forcing it into the light is the strongest move you can make. I’m proud of you and so grateful.
Sending you love and light…. thanks for being a part of my daily routine that I always look forward to.
Oh goodness. This breaks my heart for you. But can I say BRAVO for getting this out there?! And in such a beautiful way! From the quote to the words you chose to write… it was all very real, raw and so well written. Thank you for sharing and may you continue to heal. And relax. And find your happy place. I pray you will.
So brave in being honest. Good luck and God speed in your journey
Kendi, your post was beautiful…and you are so brave and honest, that I find it really inspiring! I also struggle with balancing ambition with dissatisfaction and finding happiness in satisfaction while still wanting so much more. I have to remind myself every day to step back, breathe, and be thankful. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling better and hopeful that soon, you won’t see any shadows at all. You are an amazing person and a wonderful writer…and as much as I love your clothes and fashion, I do come to this blog for YOU. Thanks for sharing and wiping the slate clean. Can’t wait to move forward together!
XOXO
http://www.butshoppingmakesmehappy.blogspot.com
thank you for sharing this side of your life. i understand that it definitely wasn’t easy but I’d like you to know that you’ve touched my heart. I rarely ever post comments but I thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs to be honest you’re the only fashion blog who’s writing i bother reading! and Your words today have given me a new purpose I’ve been battling inner demons and struggling with constantly bettering myself and my life with no success! and “your little engine that could” attitude despite of struggling has given me new hope and a new drive. I want you to realize that as a reader I cherish your words and I for one am so incredibly proud of not only what you’ve achieved in the last 5 years but also proud of you for speaking out about your struggle. Its inspiring and I pray for you to not be bogged down with the inner turmoil that resides in each of us. I wish you the best of luck and most importantly I wish you good health, prosperity and buckets of happiness! 🙂 thank you once again for sharing more of your not so perfect life and giving the rest of us some new found hope and a closer look at who you are a person.
Love,
Trishna
I just started to write a whole comment to this post but it was more like rambling than a nicely composed comment. So I’m starting over again 😀
I think you are very very brave to share this with all of your followers! And I would like to thank you for doing so, you were an inspiration to me and you still are. I always have to smile when I read your ironic-not-taking-yourself-all-to-seriously-posts and I had no idea that you have been going through such dark times.
But the fact that you do, and the fact that you are so brave to share it with all of us is really inspiring.
I don’t really know what’s a good thing to say to end this comment so I hope this next line is ok:
I hope you find the strength to get through this. But if you are having a hard time with it, think about all of us, your supporting readers. Think about your husband, your mother and everyone else who loves you. But right now, just think about yourself and what you need. Everyone else can wait.
x Evi
I thank you so much for this post. I appreciate your honesty, putting yourself out there and sharing something so personal. What I love most about blogs are getting to know the people behind all the pretty pictures so thank you for giving us both.
– Jaime
Thank you for being honest, bare, and candid. This post hit so close to home for me. Currently the darkness is taking over for me and last week after crying daily I’ve decided it’s time to seek help.
Anxiety and depression are tough hurdles to jump. Especially when they’re stacked on top of each other. I wish you nothing but the best as you get help.
The only person you have to impress is yourself; you’ve already impressed everyone else.
Thank you for sharing this Kendi. A lot of the blogosphere is all sunshine and glitter and when posts come out on “real” feelings they are often overbearing and exaggerated. You’ve written a beautiful piece and the fact that you did it today meant that you’ve turned a proverbial corner… you still have mountains to climb but that’s life. Take a deep breath and take pride in what you’ve accomplished today. I love Kendi Everyday for the clothes but I admire your life! I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.
Kendi thank you for your tender vulnerability. Your blog is a huge part of my life, and I’m thankful to have met you. It was on my bucket list 😉 You are so warm and inviting, and sharing this on your blog makes you even more so. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you take time to heal.
Kendi thank you so much for writing this. I am a blogger and I too have struggled with depression. I started my blog as a way out of my depression. I had my first bout of it when I was 19 and then again a few years ago at 30. I wish more people talked about depression – since I truly think it is something more people suffer from than is known. There is still a bit of shame and stigma to it that needs to be done away with. Thank you for being so honest and open about it.
Thanks for sharing, Kendi. As much as I come here for your amazing, creative outfits, I do come to hear your voice and little stories. Hang in there. Sounds like you’re headed on the right path.
Kendie, Thank you for sharing your experience with us. As someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, I know how hard it can be to put those feelings into words or share with large groups of people. Despite the pain you have been feeling, your blog has continued to be a fun, happy, light place to visit daily. Sending you smiles!
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi!! Your honesty and vulnerability is encouraging to me and all of the other women out there who have been down the road of depression.
Thankful for your willingness to open up here on the blog. Praying for you as you move forward with the store, with life and with overcoming the darkness that keeps creeping in.
Kendi, your post brought tears to my eyes. I look forward to your posts, saving them for a treat to myself every afternoon when I put my two toddlers down to nap. You are my friend, even though we are strangers. Thank you for your honesty. I hope the sky clears soon, sweet girl. Sending you love…
Thank you. I think so often depression and anxiety are met with eye-rolls and sort of a “just be happy” type response because people don’t often understand how very real it is and how much it can effect your daily life. So much of what you said rang true to my own struggles and I think you should be ridiculously proud of yourself for your honesty and bravery.
You’re absolutely right about dissatification vs. ambition-I’m pretty sure I have been fighting this same battle for the past few months!
I absolutely love your blog-fashion or no fashion. I hope you feel like you can achieve your clean slate (or at least just a little bit) and keep moving forward 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story Kendi, you are an inspirational, talented and strong woman. Sharing your story only make you stronger. Love you and Hugs. Feel better.
There is something profoundly comforting in reading something that I could have written about myself in such a public forum. I am always sad that other people suffer in the same way that I have, but glad when people are willing to be open about it, so that we do not all need to feel quite so alone. Thank you for your honesty, and I hope that you are able to be gentle with yourself in the way that so often eludes us.
Thank you for sharing, you really are amazing and I wish you well xx
Thank you so much for sharing. I know how scary it can be to tell people about the not so shiny things in your life. If something negative happens in my life, I don’t talk about to anyone (excluding my husband.) It’s as though by not sharing, I can pretend it’s not real. I also had my first panic attack this year, on the bus on the way to work, worrying over blood clots (and I am an obscenely healthy, 29 year old.) It was terrifying, I thought I was having a stroke as everything grew hazy and my heart was racing and I felt ice cold. All I could think was I have to get off this bus. There is so much pressure on young women to be successful, beautiful, driven, happy, and uncomplaining. I think we are afraid for others to see us as anything less. We know we are not perfect, but we are all striving for perfection.
Hi Kendi, I always read your blog but hardly ever comment – well I think this time is special… every time I check your pages with my friends it always strucks me how positive and joyful and light your attitude is. I love fashion and I have often held back from the idea of opening/trying a blog at the thought ‘no, I’m not that kind of person, I’m too ‘heavy’, obscure, gloomy.’ Now I ‘see’ this side of you and it makes me think …we are all alike, and we all have to abide with the idea this is a normal part of life, and a part of creative and sensitive people especially. You have these wonderful gifts of creativity and you will find a better balance, in a way that will always help you not destroy, but live with your dark side. Sometimes I think of that great quote by Joni Mitchell “chase away the demons, and they will take the angels with them” and it gives me the strenght to keep going. And don’t you see how many wonderful friends you have around you?
Cheers from Italy
Just wanted to share an e-hug. Thank you for sharing and we’re all thinking of you.
We love you, Kendi.
This took a lot of courage. I’m proud of you! Trust that your story is helping so many others who are in the same boat. Cheers to your bravery, Kendi!
This is a beautiful, authentic post. Thank you for sharing with us and being real. I just read a great quote by a recovering alcoholic that said “the greatest shock of my life was to discover that the exposure of the very secret I thought would kill me brought me the greatest relief. It turns out that when you give up on looking good, no one can make you feel bad.”-Heather Kopp
It takes courage to be honest and real. You and your husband will be in my prayers. Take all the time you need:)
That is an excellent quote. I’m stealing that one from you. Hope you don’t mind!
Thank you for sharing your life. I’m glad you are feeling better and I hope you get to wherever you want to be.
I really, really admire the openness and honesty of this post. Reading it is kind of like being in my own head–I also suffer from depression and panic attacks, though I think I’ve finally gotten both under control. I blog about it sometimes, too–usually just before or just after a little mini-break from my blog.
Happiness may be a choice, but depression tends to take that choice away sometimes. It’s important to remember that, otherwise you’ll just beat yourself up for feeling bad.
I’m glad to hear you’ve gone to the doctor. Medication sucks, I know, but sometimes it’s the best option. Sometimes it’s the only option. Go easy on yourself, even if it means taking a few days off from the blog! We’ll all be here when you get back, I promise.
Thank you for sharing & being honest. I’m sure that was really tough to write! there are a lot of us that relate. and you opening up means a ton to us. so thank you.
very courageous of you to post this Kendi, kudos. thanks for sharing. brighter days ahead!
Thanks for sharing Kendi! Know that you aren’t alone in your struggles and challenges. I’m so glad you are getting help, speaking to a professional will only help and give you insight into coping techniques and new ways of thinking.
I love reading your blog and the quirkiness you provide. This post was especially moving, so know that we readers love all the content you provide. No matter how deep or lighthearted it is.
xoDonna
http://www.soyouagree.com
what a brave, honest, and beautiful post. thank you for sharing! i admire you more than ever.
and you’re still funny:)
sweetheart, i don’t know you personally, but i love you already, and this makes me love you even more.
“I’ve confused ambition with dissatisfaction” – man, if that’s not a mistake i’ve been making too. thanks for putting these thoughts into words.
wishing you a ton of love and support, j
Thank you for sharing. Your story hits close to home. And style blog or not, hearing the real life experiences lying under, over and in between the fab looks, makes you real and even more likeable.
Long time reader, first time commenter – this makes me love you even more, Kendi!
Thanks for sharing the rain. It helps others see the rainbow + the sun and at some point you will again, as well.
As someone who knows what it’s like to hide something dark for most of my life, I am so grateful that you took a chance and shared this with the world. I have been following your blog for a while now because I love your unique voice and style. This reminded me that, in a world where so much can be left virtual and superficial, there is a real person typing those words and posing in those pictures. And look at the response you’ve gotten — currently over 200 comments from so many of your readers who admire your bravery, love what you do, and relate to what you’re going through.
One thing I feel the need to say: You said that you’ve hated the idea that “happiness is a choice” because it means that you are responsible for it rather than your environment. You’re right, that’s scary as all get out. But it also gives you huge power. We can’t always control what happens in our life, including illness both mental and physical. But we CAN control what we do with it. You might find that by taking this leap and others in the future that your happiness is made all the richer by the fact that YOU took control of it. Even if it’s just a “little” thing, like smiling through your tears. That didn’t happen because of the sun or trees or anyone else — YOU did that. YOU smiled. YOU chose joy. Give yourself permission to own that.
Thank you again. I hope you and yours stayed safe during the storms last night. Blessings.
It took a lot of guts to share this. Thank you.
thank you for sharing. I think many of us can commiserate with you. I know you know that stress can be the root of so many physical and emotional turmoils. I am glad that you are seeking help for your depression.
Hi Kendi,
Thank you for being so honest and open with this hard time in your life. I have suffered from depression off and on for the last 10 years and have had to be on medication for most of those years. For the first year and a half I kept my depression to myself as I sunk deeper and deeper into a black hole within myself. Finally realizing to get help was the first step to getting my life and my soul back. While everyone’s experience with depression is different I can say that at least a little bit, I know how you feel, and what you are going through, and please know that you are loved and you have so much support from people you have never met. First be true to yourself, do and say what feels right, when it feels right and everything else will follow. I hope that you feel better soon and that your soul will be smiling in no time. Best wishes. xoxox
Christine
it takes a lot of courage to share what you just shared, in such a public space. so, thank you. i admire you for sharing and taking the steps you need to feel better. good for you. you have a lot of people rooting for you, so just know that.
Wonderfully said. Brave and true. And probably exactly what I needed to read as I face my own health challenge. Good for you for taking care of yourself and know I’m cheering for you my own little corner of the world.
I too have a relationship with anxiety. So much so it became debilitating. Of course I hid it from the world. But once I spoke out I realized that there are so many of us that suffer from depression and anxiety. So many of us that feel shame in what is happening to us. But I realize that I am actually a stronger person for speaking out than staying silent and acting as if my life is perfect. So bravo to you for speaking out on your public forum and sharing your story. Every time I hear someone else’s story I take comfort in knowing I am not the only one who struggles and things do get better.
I genuinely admire your courage and will continue to read your blog…be it about life, style and everything in between. Cheesy, but leaving a quote feels appropriate. Here’s to taking a step forward:
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
–Nora Roberts, American author
I really appreciate your honesty in this post and even if you encourage one person who struggles with the same feelings to share with others in their life to get help, it was worth it.
Thank you!
My favourite thing on the internet today. I love your outfits – but I love your authenticity even more.
Oh Kendi… Kudos to you for finally finding the courage to share this. And I’m glad things seem to be on an upswing and hope they continue to be that way. All of my favorite blogs share the sunshine along with the rain, thank you for finally sharing the rain with us again. We’re here for you! (As silly as that sounds 🙂 )
I understand very much what you are going through. As a young person there is a sigma about depression and anxiety. I have been dealing with it for many years. People don’t know I’m on medication for my panic attacks and depression. When they find out they are always so surprised and say “but you seem to have everything so put together” Sometimes how we look on the outside doesn’t reflect us inside at all.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you are feeling better. You are a strong a beautiful person. Peace be with you.
Thanks for sharing this stuff with us. I’m ashamed to admit it but I have occasionally used your “perfect” body/life to shame myself for not having it “together” or told myself that if I can manage to lose weight and have cute outfits I will be as happy and cute as you are. It is good to know you are human and to understand why sometimes your posts rang a little hollow and the cheerfulness sounded a little forced. I’m not happy you are sad, I’m happy you are the multidimensional gal I wish I could be friends with in real life after all. Here’s to letting the secrets out and letting the light in. Here’s to you finding out that we are here for YOU. 🙂
Thank you for sharing and opening up – That is what good friends do- thanks for being a good friend to all of us. Its great that you are taking care of you first- the rest just seems to fall into place after that. All the best to you – Know that you are supported and loved!
I repeatedly come back to your blog primarily for your story, because it’s such a treat when you let us in. It seems like you’ve dipped your toes in the water of writing this post a few times over the last year and a half, but I now see that you weren’t ready to reveal all. That’s perfectly okay! This is your journey, and we’re just here to support you. I know exactly what anxiety and panic attacks feel like. Finding coping skills of the non-wine and French fry variety are scary and tough, but will ultimately help you. Thank you for sharing with us, Kendi!
Long time reader but first time commenter. I wanted to say thank you, and I understand. Your struggles are different, yet I can very much relate. I too go through panic attacks and then don’t want to leave the house for awhile. I am so glad you shared this because I believe it will be the first step on the path to healing.
Hey Kendi, long, long time reader here, and I’m so happy that you’ve decided to open up, if it’s what you needed.
I guess it might be because I’m nosy, or curious, or just interested in others (or a loser), but I love hearing about the personal lives of bloggers. When I find a new blog, I scour it for hints on their lives, children, birthdays (not a stalker, I swear, it’s what I like reading about), and you have, as you said, little by little left less and less of theses snippets. All this to say, I’m glad that you could tell us what’s really going on, and that you feel safe enough to do it here.
Also, as a fellow shadow dweller who does her best not to show it most of the time, thank you.
OH GOD YOU BASICALLY JUST OUTLINED SO MUCH OF WHAT IS CURRENTLY IN MY HEAD. I struggle with anxiety and (mostly) seasonal depression and, like you appear to do, I hide that online under a cover of snark and jokes and make sure not to mention my problems (because who would want to hear them?!). I’m so glad you wrote this post – it was so brave of you to do. It’s so encouraging to hear that others whom I admire struggle with the same things I do.
xo
Shay Lianna
myconfidenceandme.com
What a riveting read! You’re right – it’s not always about
the clothes, it’s about the shared experiences; the communion.
Thank you for sharing
Hi Kendi! First time commenter here. You are so brave my dear. I commend you for putting yourself out there (which is not an easy thing to do). Thank you so much for sharing this with us. This right here makes you more human. And you know what….this is life. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine. People struggle. People face hardships. People go through depression, anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, fears, etc. And it’s ok. It’s part of being a human. No one is perfect and everyone faces obstacles in some way and some point in their lives. I’m sure you have touched and inspired so many people with your story. Good for you Kendi! P.S. All I can say is this too shall pass:)! Rita @ http://www.CoastWithMe.com
kendi,
if I replaced kendi in this blog post with jade, I’d be right there with you. i launched a new start-up and got married all in the same month. So many positive things but i was nervous, anxious, terrified about every little thing. it seemed like i wasn’t doing enough even though i was working all the time. slowly it got better- it’s still getting better.
also, my husband calls it a “hoodie day” when I don’t want to get out of bed or feeling depressed. (i’m pretty sure there was an entire year that was hoodie day- but i also watched endless episodes of Law and Order SVU and that might have had something to do with it too) he tries to make it funny to lighten the mood and sometimes it works. i think just acknowledging it out loud makes the road to feeling better easier. I’m sure if you had a hoodie day, it’d be the cutest hoodie available. (mine was a dashboard confessional one.- yeah.) Take care.
That was very courageous Kendi. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi. You may not view it this way, what you just did in this post is called courage. I’m sure it wasn’t easy and might even feel weird for a time after, but you are better for having done it, and you are brave for having done it. Your experience can only shine light on something that is usually kept in the dark, and your readers are all better for it. You must know we are all rooting for you and wish you well.
Awesome post! I can relate to the middle of the night panic attacks. Pretty overwhelming.
Thanks for your insight and clarity.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just, thank you. From someone who has suffered with anxiety and bouts of depression for a very long time. Your transparency is a beautiful thing and has made me feel even less alone. I know how suffocating the darkness can be and it’s really hindered my blogging, because it’s so hard to be lighthearted when the darkness feels so thick. I am amazed at how you were able to stay positive on here, but thank you for sharing so much. I know it wasn’t easy, but I hope you feel some sort of relief from sharing this. I’m sticking around no matter what direction the blog takes.
Sorry to hear of your struggles. I call the people on the blogs I read (fitness, style, celebrities) The Shiny People – normally blond, smiling, successful, pretty, etc. I have struggled a lot lately too. Then I stop and think about the people who see my Facebook page and they would call me one of The Shiny People. I was suicial over my teenage son’s problems but thought of the impact it would have on my teenage daughter and started praying instead. I still have bad days but more good ones right now. I am blessed. Good luck.
Wow Kendi, I feel so bad for you going through this. I have pretty much always been a positive person. When Mum died I went into auto pilot, crying on my own or just with my husband. I hated the negativity from work colleagues when all I wanted to scream was ‘I just lost my Mother, get over yourselves’ while all the while smiling. But I have had one major panic attack and once was enough so I feel for you having had more than one. I don’t know if happiness is a choice, but I think you just have to pause, look around and try to remember what is good in your life. There is always something, even if it is small.
I came here for the clothes, I love the way you put things together and you are such an attractive lady, it’s become one of my favourites and I now enjoy reading all your have written alongside the stylish outfits.
I hope and trust that in time you will feel better and happier in your life. Lots of love xxx
Thank you for sharing! I’ve always hated that phrase “happiness is a choice too”…my parents used to drill that into me growing up. But I like your perspective of it being a choice to be present and thankful in whatever our current situation is! I can relate with keeping busy to mask how I’m really feeling and not letting anyone else know what’s up. I recently got married to a man with a 12 yr old daughter (I’m 30) and have been having a reeeeeaalllly hard time with it! Feeling like I should be in the “honeymoon stage”, but somehow feeling like that chapter was skipped?! Keeping busy and acting like nothing has changed has been my hiding place, my car with music blaring, tears streaming down has been my refuge! Your courage is inspiring and your story resonates with all of us! Thank you for sharing! I look forward to your posts daily no matter what they’re about, it’s fun sharing this gift called life with complete strangers and not feeling like a creepy stalker, but a good neighbor! 🙂
SO glad and proud of you for writing this! Being open and honest is so hard and something that I continue to struggle with doing in life. I’ve been following your blog off and on for a long time now (that humor of yours definitely had something to do with it!) and can’t wait to read more now that you’ve posted this post. Not in weird way, but in a I-love-how-real-you-are kind of way.
And it’s kinda funny, I just wrote another post about choosing joy and have read a few other blogger’s thoughts on the same thing this morning. It must be in the blog water or something! 🙂
You are so brave to put this out there. I have struggled with this same issue for years. Sometimes it gets so debilitating it eclipses everything else in life. Thank you for sharing this — it’s something I’ve never personally felt comfortable enough to do. I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. It helped me to just accept it as part of my life, of who I am, and to treat it as best I can with medical help.
Thanks you. I have dealt with depression in some form or another since I was 12. Thank you for giving a face and a voice to this struggle. Please never just “shut up and wear the clothes”. You’re so much more.
Thank you so much for this post and your open honesty!
As a twenty year old who had her first panic attack in December and have struggled so much with embarrassment, fear, loneliness, and the crushing worries of future attacks, it is very calming to read your story. Not that I am at all glad you are struggling with this, but that it’s real life to experience anxiety and depression, and it doesn’t make you less of a person or life any less good.
Not what I would have guessed at all, but can totally imagine. I am more proud to read your blog than ever. Most of the creative and inspiring things in life come from the gray hues. I salute you and the silver lining you have found. Once you open your life up to the possibilities, the more happiness and fulfillment you will find. Lastly, you are so young!! You have done so much, take some time, pat yourself on the back and SMILE! YOU GO GIRL! I will continue to be back everyday, with zero pressure or expectation other than intrigue. Cheers, Dee
Kendi, thanks for sharing all of that! As a fellow blogger, I know how challenging it is to open up to your reader friends (I haven’t really found the balance myself). Please know that opening a store and having a blog and doing everything that you are is such an amazing thing! You are funny, sweet, beautiful, and have great fashion sense and depression doesn’t define any of that. 🙂 You will find your balance in managing it all. I support you and encourage you! Nothing like starting with a clean slate! 🙂
I’m so glad you shared this post. As someone who has also struggled with anxiety, depression and panic attacks, I recognize the courage needed to publish your thoughts to a wide audience. I firmly believe the more open people are about their struggles, the easier it will be for us all to come out of the shadows.
You are never alone in this. We all love you… if you complain while you share your clothes, so be it. 😉 Everyone struggles. I’m going to share one of my favorite pins with you… http://pinterest.com/pin/128071183125930961/ “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
Thank you for speaking so openly about this topic. It is only taboo because we struggle to have the courage you did today. My parents both struggled with mental illness, and I have always struggled with anxiety– I know the terrain well. I find that hearing someone else’s story acts like a flashlight or a lightening bug on the way. We are better together!
Kendi, thank you for sharing your story. I read a few fashion blogs and your is by far my favorite. Your outfits, style and quirky writing make it a blog I come back to over and over. I also love that you seem real and down to earth, and this post confirms it. I am a 28 year old career girl and I struggle with panic disorder which gave way to depression. My anxiety last year was debilitating and awful…until I saw a counselor and a doctor. I am feeling so much better now and have learned a lot about how to heal and take care of myself. Do what’s best for you, and sending warm thoughts of healing as you start fresh. xo
Aw, Kendi! I’m so sorry for the rough patch you’ve been going through. Thank you for writing this post. It’s so, so hard to write about personal things and put them out there for everyone to see. You’re very brave to be so honest, and I admire that a lot! I have always loved reading your posts, and I think I will love them even more now knowing how real and honest you are. Bravo!
Kendi- As someone who reads your blog everyday, and also as a 24-year old who frequently has panic attacks thinking about the next big steps in my life, I am so grateful for your honesty and opening up to all of us. I don’t just read your blog for the outfits (while they are amazing), I read it because you seem real and genuine. I am sending lots of love to you from Indiana!
-Kate
I appreciate you showing so much of your heart to us – we do want to hear about your life, the good and the bad. My prayers will be with you!
Thank you for sharing
My 21 yr old son came home from college in Feb due to a deep depression. He is getting medical treatment, but it is a long, slow road to recovery
My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find the exact treatment you need.
Brett
Thanks for sharing, Kendi. I have been reading your blog for a couple years and love everything about it. I’m so glad you took some time to tell us about your life because you are right, I do come here for more than just the outfits! Hope you know how much we love you and your blog, you have a huge support system here in this virtual world.
This was lovely, Kendi, and in a way, inspiring. I can only speak for myself but even though I found your blog because of the clothes, I stick around because of the writing. (I’ve actually stopped looking at most of the other style blogs I used to follow. Gets very boring after a while.) This type of community space is so much more fun and life-giving when it feels like you are a person and not a mannequin.
Not sure if you’ve heard of Brene Brown, but I really recommend reading “I thought it was just me (but it isn’t.)” It’s absolutely brilliant and I think it could really speak into what you’re feeling right now.
I believe we were all created by a God who wants our hearts, not our success stories. Bloom and this blog are beautiful and wonderful but as long as you know how to love, you have everything. Hang in there.
Kendi, I hope you feel embraced, encouraged, supported and accepted by this online community you’ve created and that we all enjoy. Life is real and gritty. it’s also beautiful and lovely. it’s everything. it challenges us, our emotions, our relationships, our contentedness daily. what you’ve written about above speaks to the true human condition. one we all deal with, or have dealt with. I for one, love checking in on your blog. smiling at your write-ups and enjoying your beautiful pictures. and I’ll love it just the same (more even!), if I know I can continue to contribute to an honest conversation about where you and all of us are at. panic attacks happen, depression is real, life can be overwhelming. but there are tremendous people in this world, and magnificent relationships to be forged and maintained. relationships we can rely on and confide in to help us navigate the stormier seasons of our life. I applaud you for writing straight from your heart today. you are cherished by this community and I know we all resonate with what you’ve shared. love knowing we’re all here to lift each other up!
Kendi,
I’m so proud and thankful that you shared this with us. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it was, realizing and accepting depression for yourself is hard enough, there are many people who struggle with that alone, actually accepting and essentially telling the world that you have this problem is gut-crushing. So for that, I truly do admire you. It takes a strong person to open up about something that is so personal and close to the heart.
Life isn’t always sunshine and butterflies, there are struggles and heartaches, and with a lot of blogs out there today (especially our beloved fashion/style blogs) it’s all about the pretty things – which is great, but sometimes it can ring a little hollow, be redundant, and lose all sense of “real life”.
So again, I say thank you for sharing, as this made you more real and inspiring to me than any pretty picture or amazing outfit you put together.
Though don’t get me wrong, I will still be coming here for some awesome style inspiration and closet envy 😉
Where ever life may take you from here on out I support you 100%.
Ashlei
p.s. sorry to write my own blog post in your comment section 😀
Kendi. You are not alone. I struggle with depression and anxiety. And when I finally asked for help, it felt so good. There is light. I promise. We are with you.
Hi Kendi,
I’ve been reading you for a while now but never commented – just wanted to say it must have been really hard for you to write this, but so brave – thank you.
You aren’t the only one, I’m currently off work with stress and anxiety, and have had panic attacks and taken medication for them before. I felt like I have been going backwards lately, having it all happen again, but I’m working through it, and it helps to hear how other people feel and their similar experiences.
Good luck, and keep going. x
I really admire you for sharing this. Thank you for being so open and honest about something which is obviously difficult for you to share. I, for one, am more than happy to share the good and the bad in your journey.
While I do not [currently] have depression, you have helped me feel less alone in my struggles.
WIshing you the very, very best <3
You are so strong and amazing for sharing this, I know I run into some of the same things and it made me have to stop and find myself. I think I went weeks not blogging and I wish I had just opened up but fear won. So I applaud you for opening it up! You are amazing strong beautiful. Get better, I am here with you like everyone else who have commented on this blog has said they are!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have a small blog and have felt crushed by the pressures of the “perfect blogworld” everyone seems to live in where everything is flowers and cute babes and perfect, easy DIYs. I also suffer from anxiety and after antidepressants didn’t completely alleviate it, The Calm Clinic has changed my life, I highly recommend exploring their website.
Thank you for sharing this side of your life with us! I’ve been a loyal reader for quite a while, and I promise, this just reinforces the idea I already had of you through the blog, a strong, beautiful woman who shares her life with us readers. You haven’t scared me off or alienated me by sharing, instead you’ve bared your soul, and I want to stick by you, keep reading, and show you the support you need. Sending love and prayers your way!
I’ve been following your blog for about 4 years now, as well as several other style blogs, and yours is the only one that I still consistently read instead of just scrolling through the pretty pictures.
There’s so much more to a GOOD style blog than just pretty pictures and facades of a seemingly perfect life. It’s the content of your blog (in addition to the pretty pictures :D) that keeps me coming back to your blog, reading, and engaging in the things you post.
I wish you luck on your journey to rediscovering your happiness. I say “rediscovering” instead of “finding” because I’m willing to bet that you haven’t lost it, but perhaps just can’t see it in all the shadows.
I’ve never come here for the clothes. I come here because I admire the very bold way you’ve chosen to have the life that you want and even though yes, that will always come with its share of good days and bad days and yes, even though nobody’s blog self ever truly matches their inner self….you ARE living boldly and I know (as do you) that there is much to be grateful for. Keep on!
Thank you for your honesty. One thing about social media, is that for the most part everyone seems put on the happy face and all is right with the world. Then when I feel so out of sync I sometimes wonder what’s wrong with me. I’ve had to back off of twitter especially, because those 140 bites are a little too much sweet for normal life most days.
I, too, sometimes struggle with the dark times. Not the anxiety attacks, but depression that seems too elusive to understand or tame.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I’m usually a lurker here, but I wanted to post this time.
You have my total empathy.
I suffer from, at times, debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. The first one I had was so terrible that I ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. This has unfortunately gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.
I turned to shopping to alleviate my constant anxiety. At first, it worked. Then I started to overspend and it’s become a cycle of buying items to lift anxiety which causes new anxiety which causes me to buy more to lift that, and round and round we go.
I’ve surrendered my credit cards, after I maxed them out, and all money control over to my husband. It cannot go on. I’m jeopardizing our future as a family and more important the future well-being of my toddler for clothing I don’t care about once I obtain it.
I’m currently in therapy exploring the possibility of General Anxiety Disorder as well as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (different from OCD). I’m also on a low dose of Paxil everyday as well as Xanax and Valium if/when I need it ( at my request. I don’t view medication as an answer to issues like this, but more as a tool to help healing). I feel better in general, though some days are better than others. A lot of my problems come from the fact that I live a happy life that I love, but I have a need to control everything and there is a simmering pot of panic constantly bubbling under the surface of my life and I simply don’t understand it.
I’m not suggesting that you use medications or that you need therapy. But, talking to somebody that is not really involved in my life, that can step back and look at things objectively when I cannot, has helped me entertain issues from new angles.
I suspect that that is what you meant when you said you’ve been talking to a doctor.
I wish you the best of luck and I help you can get beyond yourself, or at lease be content. Because I think that that is what anxiety is, a general discontent with, well, _something_.
Thank you for posting this, I think you’re brave for doing so. Even in a slowly evolving society, any sort of mental issue is usually viewed as a weakness when it in fact is not.
Hi Kendi,
I have been reading your blog for quite a while also, but this is my first comment. I have had similar spells with anxiety and depression throughout my life and remember being so embarrassed when a few years ago I took a couple of weeks off work so I could see a doctor and get things handled enough so that I could function again. It is so brave of you to write this post and let the rest of us know that we are not alone, so I am telling you, you are NOT alone. Don’t be scared or embarrassed for speaking out – authenticity is important. Be the best version of you, but be YOU. You will get through this. It will get better. And all the people you share you life with will still be there when you do.
kendi, this is beautiful! i’ve been reading your blog for a while now and think you’re funny, gorgeous, fantastically dressed, amazingly styled, and absolutely crazy for venturing into business ownership (but also remarkably brave). i suffer from anxiety attacks and G.A.D. (general anxiety disorder) and it’s threatened to erode everything i care about too. it’s all about being honest, letting your family care for you, and caring for yourself. you’re amazing for writing this and it sounds like you’re already on the fast track to recovering! thanks for letting us in!
Kendi, I have been reading your blog for a couple of years and am always tickled by your wit and inspired by your fashion. But today I was deeply moved by your honesty and vulnerability. This only makes you more lovable and more easy to relate to (and you were already crazy lovable before). Thank you, thank you for saying the things you said–everyone–you and your readers–are better for it.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this Kendi. I admire you so for the courage you had to open your store and your keen eye for fashion; I admire you now for your bravery. I hope that you will continue to strive for the change and balance you are seeking! Much love, Misha
This post is just another reason I love ya!
Kendi, we are here to you. In all your sides, and shades. Some people say that we need dark to see the light, and maybe they’re right. Keep strong, girl! (But not to much.)
This is really brave of you to post. I think that nowadays so many of us struggle with depression and anxiety. I don’t know a single friend who hasn’t experienced it at one point of their lives or another. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to talk about openly. Thanks for sharing the real story. We all really do care.
Oh Kendi, you are so extremely brave for baring your soul.. and I commend you for it… depression and anxiety is sometimes hard to formulate in words… just know that you are not alone and I have extreme faith and hope that you will get through this season.. and the hope of life will be once again shiny and bright… in the meantime I’ll be praying.. because this is something I know for sure.. God is good, He is by our side… He rushes in with light and dispels all fear… He is the calm in the storm and the healing in our hearts… You are amazing…thanks for being real..
Hope
hchdesigns.blogspot.com
Kendi, thank you so much for this post. We all struggle with something and it is so brave of you to share this all with us. You have a huge community behind you 200%. Don’t forget there is always someone to turn to!
You are so courageous. Thank you.
You are so sweet, and brave to share. Good luck – we are rooting for you.
Thank you. Thank you so much for putting into words so well how i’ve been feeling this past year (which I have also finally sought help for). I too never came her exclusively for the clothes, although you have the best style of all the bloggers, but for you!! You are hilarious, and beautiful, and seem so kind. Thanks for being so honest. I wish you the best!!
I’ll keep this short & sweet as I see you’ve got many many kind words to read here in the comments, but I just wanted to let you know that I read every word & applaud you for sharing. In my 3 years of blogging I definitely know what it’s like to be going through something massive and not know how or if to share. It sucks & it’s tough. I’ve been thinking a lot about thankfulness lately and I definitely do think there’s something to that. Thinking of you & sending virtual hugs! xo.
… that really wasn’t short & sweet, was it? oops.
I look at blogs constantly but rarely comment. I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU for sharing your story and for being so real with your readers.
Thanks for sharing Kendi! I think at times we try to be strong in front of other people for fear of judgment or whatever goes through our minds. However I have found when I confide in others it only makes me stronger. Stronger from all the support that is shared and that lifts me up. I have found that there is strength in numbers. You have a lot of support from those around you who have grown to love you IRL or online. I think it is healthy to lean on others versus our natural tendencies of fighting alone.
You are a beautiful woman with great style and class. I love coming to your blog and reading your posts, and it is true, I would love to know more about you and your life but I have so enjoyed what I have been given so far! Thank you THANK YOU for being who you are! Even though I don’t really know you, you have made a difference in my life!
Kendi, I’ve followed your blog for a long time and never commented until now. You’ve shown great strength by posting this and I think making your inner feelings more in line with your external message will be healing for you. Your writing inspired me to start my own blog recently – your sense of humor and fabulous wording are some of my favorite things to read every day. I think keeping it real is the way to go. It’s going to be okay. Treat yourself well.
Life is hard and when things get harder you will notice that people around you are happier and you feel like you’re the only one down with trouble and stuff. and thats when you think ‘why me?’ But what we fail to notice is how hard everyone is trying to smile and make everything seem normal to others. It is true.. that happiness is a choice but one tough choice to make as we let the other fears get better of us. Take care and hope you feel better soon…
As someone who once suffered from depression, I know how hard it is to talk about. I applaud you for having the courage to share your story with us. Thank you.
Take care of yourself, lady.
Kendi, you are awesome. Thank you so much for your vulnerability. We’re here for you.
I’ve been reading your blog for years. Pretty sure I’ve never liked you more 🙂 thank you for letting us know you are real– we all struggle, and it’s nice to know, we’re not alone!
Kendi,
I don’t want to bombard you with advice or tips for dealing with your depression and anxiety, because it sucks when people who aren’t you try to tell you how to “fix it.” Instead, I’d like to leave my hope for you: I hope you find a good therapist, someone you can make jokes and connect with, but who will also push you to work hard to control your negative thoughts.
All the best!
you are completely inspirational. everything you said was amazing, strong, and powerful. I know how you feel sometimes and we are all human. (even the “perfect” bloggers) your post today made you so perfect to so many people. completely inspired!!!
xoxox, Meg
http://www.sealed-with-style.com
Kendi, like so many of the girls replying here, you have my full support and gratitude for posting this. I know it wasn’t easy, but nothing hard should be presented easy.
I will pray for you and Bryan because I know things like this takes it’s toll in all aspects of life. There’s still so much light in all of this and regardless of media (be it blog world, facebook, twitter insta… whatever!) you’re still shining. That’s saying something whether you want it to or not.
As for the style blog, I love it. But I’d never be opposed to just a “lifestyle & style blog.” You’re so freakin’ creative. Plus things change, people change and time goes on. Don’t be afraid to change with it.
respectfully, Heather
Also, I should clarify .. I will support you even in taking time off. I just flat out support you. (I realize the above statement sounded kind of bossy, sorry…) You do what you need to do. I’m here and the other 300+ people are here 😉
Kendi, I wish you lots of good luck on your path to happiness. Your blog is a place of inspiration for others, remember that! Other people want to read what you write/see how you dress, that is a rare gift to posses. You are special.
Don’t think you walk on that path alone lady. Most of us trudge down it together, but we feel alone bc we internalize our negative thoughts/struggles & on cue smile brightly the outside. You and your husband both are absolutely fantastic. Nothing that you mentioned above changes that &I’m extremely glad you are able to bring yourself to finally write this bc when you are internalizing all of this stuff you carry it just HAS to come out somehow – sickness, panic attacks, irritability, depression, tiredness, etc. Writing it out &sharing it with the world is a positive step. Easy to say, but please don’t worry about what “we” all think. Everything I’m telling you, I’m telling myself too.
And are you kidding? Yeah yous funny girl &dress awesome, but I come here because of YOU. And I don’t like roll hella deep with followers on my blog, but when I have my Mariah Carey-like breakdown posts that’s when I get the most supportive & meaningful comments and addition of people following. Not to mention, I somehow feel like I can breathe a little bit easier. The truth is the light, eh? Also, you’re 28, I’m about to be 30 soon – it’s a beautiful time in life. After you begin to get a handle on this, you’re necessary I-don’t-giva-**** evolves further & kicks in even more. Remember when you were 19 & 20 and just accepted everything – you don’t do that anymore! And i totally agree with if it’s all about sales, i’m out! I firmly believe that’s why most old people seem to lack tact &just get away with the things they do when they reach their age – they ain’t got time for all that!
The only thing that would stop me from coming here is like if you passionately hated black people or routinely punched little kids in the stomach after your 6.5 day work week. Yeah. That would make it kinda hard to come back 😉 You are a wonderful writer btw. Take your time, do you &be well! xo
Its so beautiful to see people being honest with the world. Especially with blogs it’s so easy to get caught up in appearing perfect but everyone goes through stuff and we’re stronger together if we share our struggles. I know this was very difficult for you but I have to say a big THANK YOU for sharing it with us. Stay strong and know you have hundred of people out here, and in your immediate life, who love to hear from you and want you to be happy.
this is my favorite of all of your posts. as much as i like the clothes, i read your blog because i like you as a person. thank you for sharing.
♥♥♥
kendi, this is a beautiful and honest post that you should be SO proud of. it’s so hard to be vulnerable, and you’ve done it with grace. i doubt i speak just for myself when i say i love hearing about your life, even though i don’t truly know you. so many of us have struggled with depression, and for you to be open and truthful about it is an incredible thing. i wish you the best of luck in finding the light – but also in realizing that it’s okay to be dark sometimes too.
Good luck Kendi. Thank you for your post and your trust. “Maybe it’s not about the clothes that bring you here (meh, or maybe it is) but maybe it’s about life.” : you are so right. We love you. Take care.
Don’t wory Kendi, all I can say is – ‘All will be well’, ‘Soon”.. Every phase of life passes.. Nothing is here to stay – whether the good or the bad. Try to not think much and enjoy the happy moments in your life!
My heart goes to you..
risingcolors.blogspot.in
such a great post. thanks for much for sharing this. it definitely got wheels turning in my own life….and i’ve just recently started a photography website/blog so…..this is so great to read for me.
I am so excited to see where you go from here. Thanks for your honesty, thanks for your humor and thanks for being real.
Love this post…honest, brave, and beautiful.
this was a beautiful post. thank you so much for being honest and open about your experience. i hope you continue to find the light in the shadows! remember we’re all here for you. and we love you.
Thank you for showing more of yourself. I have depression, too, and don’t share that part of my life with people either. I hope to one day have your bravery.
Thanks for this post!
Due to my own anxiety, I wrote this Bible verse on a wall in my house:
because of the Lord’s great love, WE ARE NOT CONSUMED.
Lamentations 3:22
Good to be reminded of that multiple times a day.
Thank you for sharing <3 Please take time for yourself. We will be here ready and waiting for the bit of sunshine that you bring to our lives when you do.
Kendi. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I think you’re incredibly brave for sharing, and I’m glad you’re finding the light again.. I have no answers to share, just love and support to send you. Wishing you all the very best, from Sussex UK xx
Kendi,
Thank you so much for sharing. You are an excellent writer and this is probably one of your best posts. I admit that at first I came here to see your outfits, but for the last year or so I have come solely to hear about you and to read your silly jokes. I love your posts! I admire you for sharing the other part of your life and I look forward to hearing more about it. I wish that more people had your courage! I will read your blog no matter what you decide to do with it, and I think an important thing for you to remember is that you are not alone – you have a huge community here that supports you no matter what. Keep on truckin’ girl!
Heather
Kendi, thanks for sharing your struggle. It’s always good to find out more about the people whose blogs I read– about their real life, not just the surface things. I feel like one of the pitfalls of social media is that it’s really easy to make your life look perfect when it really isn’t. It is a breath of fresh air to see honesty like this!
I’m glad you’re going to share the bad and the good. And although I don’t know you, you have my support. Panic attacks stink.
Kendi! We are present and we are listening. You’ve got our hearts, girl.
I have so much more respect for you after this post, you have been such a role model in my life and have enjoyed reading your blog for a long time. I hope you feel the light more often I know I wish I could feel the same more. Much love xxxx <3
Kendi, thank you so much for this post, for your honestly, and for your vulnerability. We *do* come here not just for the clothes but also to hear about you–both the good and the hard. We’re here for ya!
This is a very touching post. I have always loved your comical posts and look up to you for that reason. I have only recently started following you so, like you said, i just see the happy face and amazing sarcasm. It’s really awesome of you to open up to all of your followers like this and i wish you all the luck in the world. xoxo
Birdy
http://www.thetwirlteam.blogspot.com
It is a brave thing to put yourself out there like you have. Honesty makes you vulnerable and online that is very scary.
I have often wondered how you manage to keep all the balls in the air.
Take some of the daily pressure that you load onto your shoulders and just let it go. It’ll be the hardest and the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself.
bisous
Suzanne
Thank you for sharing. I live with someone who battles depression and I have been battling it in the last year too. Your words have given me perspective and I pray that you continue to see the light. I loved your blog anyway but this makes me love it more.
Oh, man, already so many comments … but in case you read mine, thank you. I like you (yes, the clothes and yes you are so very funny!). I am glad you shared with us though. You aren’t alone as I am sure you know. Depression is so hard … and I always ask myself why I can’t just CHOOSE happiness? Yeah. Why? Hugs to you and sending prayers and well wishes. And keep wriiting your blog!
awww kendi. pumpkin. im so sorry to hear that you’re in your “dark place”. i hope that things turn around for you. and for pete’s sake, stop thinking that the world rests on your shoulders. it’s ok to have off days, and its ok to have work boundaries. OK? ok.
xoxo.
katie
I stumbled upon your blog a while back and it’s you that I keep coming back to read, not the clothes. Thank you for being honest and well, you. Life is hard and if anyone were to say different, then I would say that have not truly lived then. But in the struggles are glimpses of such beauty that it’s almost hard to believe. Hold on to those moments but let all of your life define who you are, even the tough stuff. Thank you so much for sharing Kendi. Prayers and love coming your way!
Of course we like you. That’s why we keep coming back. You’re witty and sarcastic and goofy and and and. And, sure, you dress pretty well. :o)
Sharing your experience with depression and anxiety must have been extremely difficult. You certainly shouldn’t have to hide this tiny piece of you from anyone. It isn’t who you are, it’s just a bit of you. Proud of you for sharing. Take care of yourself. Keep looking for rainbows.
This post seriously made my eyes water. You are an amazing person. “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.” I pray you always have your good! 🙂
Thank you! In the (often fake) social media space, it’s refreshing to read your honest words. You are a truly beautiful person…inside and out! From someone who met you in person once (at bloom) and stalks your blog daily! 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing with us! I, like you, have struggled with depression off and on since I was 14. Not only is it hard to deal with, it is very hard to share with others how it feels. I always felt that it was a weakness and so I tried to hide it from everyone but that just made it worse. Talking about it with friends and family (and blog followers in your case) helps slowly move you back to normal. I hope that writing this helped you!
I have read your blog for a few years now, and this is my favorite post yet. Not because you are sad – but because you are real. I’ve struggled with depression over the years, but never let myself seek help for it. that always felt too real – like admitting defeat. And I can control my non-action. But hearing your story, and seeing your strength is inspiring to me. Reading this gave me chills. I wish you the very very best. I come here for the pretty clothes, but also for your voice. Please keep being honest with us, as much as you feel comfortable with. We won’t be going anywhere.
So honored and grateful that you shared this with us today, Kendi! Sending lots of love and good vibes your way. Thank you so, so much for having the courage and strength to share that with us. Thank you, thank you!
Thank you for sharing! I hope you continue to find your way back into the light, with the help of your doctor and your loved ones.
Thank you for being brave enough to share what is going on with you. This is my favorite blog of the many that are out there. I’ve been where you are and you will come back into the sunshine again. Your honesty will inspire and help others who are struggling.
You just helped so many people by sharing your story. Thank you for having the courage to do so!
So brave of you to share this and this makes you so much more of a “real” person. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need to move forward with your life. <3
Thank you so much for sharing, Kendi! I think a lot of us are not just here for the clothes. The blog world is a funny thing … we readers come to care about the bloggers that we choose to spend time with. I just want you to know we’re with you .. thick and thin.
Kendi! Your words were beautiful and honest. Thank you so much for that. I really look up to you and LOVE your blog! I’m not much of a blog follower but I was alway drawn to yours and inspired by you! Stay strong and keep searching for the candle in the darkness because it’s always there! Lots of love to you and your family! Your blog is fantastic and you’ve made a big impact and you should be proud of that! Ps. you’ve inspired me to start a blog of my own! Thank you for what you have pushed me to do!
Kendi,
Grateful for your transparency in sharing this post- refreshing in a world full of facades and unattainable expectations. While i LOVE your style and keep coming back to be inspired to try new things with my clothes, there is something about your quirky charm that challenges me. To poke fun of myself. To set big goals/dreams. To enjoy life and seize the day.
Regardless of if it was a front, or truly deep down in your heart- you sharing snippets of life through this blog has helped me grow into my own skin. I started following the blog a couple of years ago, in the season of life right after college. I was still trying to meet standards set by others, trying to gain their approval. I wanted to be wanted. But by seeing your creativity with your own style and confidence in trying new things- I gave up the want to fit in, and began to feel confident in my own style.
I’m thankful to have found the blog when I did, but to also still be a follower and be reminded that those who seem to freakin’ have it all together all the time- don’t.
Praying for days of rest. Praying for time with your husband. Praying for conversations that will be a result of this blog post. I know that you’ve challenged many other women other than myself… Grateful for your pretty clothes, pinterest addictions, and willingness to be open with a community of women whom you may not have ever met.
Thank you for sharing. I love your blog, your humor & fashion sense. It’s comforting to know that others go through the ups and down as well. Keep your head up Kendi!
Thank you for sharing this Kendi! I can’t imagine how hard it was to open up about something to personal and difficult…but those bloggers that are willing to share the good and the bad are my favorite to read. Because we’re all human and not one is beyond struggle.
e-hugs coming your way. I’ve been there. I know what you are saying. that darkness being let in, creeping in, slowly. so slowly, sometimes, you doubt yourself over and over again. We’re all human.
Oh Kendi…I don’t know what to say…only hope that you and your doctor and family and friends will work this out. Best wishes.
BTW- do you exercise? I heard that helps a lot with depression. I feel happier when I am running, just a thought. 🙂
Your loyal reader: The Way We Were
I just want to wish you all the very,very best.
Thank you.
Kendi to read this, after coming to your blog daily for the last few months, refreshes my faith with people and their realization about what is important in life. I love that you had the strength to finally post this and that things are slowly (but surely) getting better. You have fashion, drive, a sense of humor and above all else an understanding that this life is not just about what you wear, buy, drive but about the memories made along the way! Good luck in all you do!
This is so courageous. What a beautiful post and individual! I must quote you on ambition, though, I feel I often get overwhelmed and forget the big picture, too. Thank you for reminding me what ambition is.
thank you! in this virtual world we forget we are real people sometimes and not machines. take the time, breathe, enjoy the little things.
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us Kendi. I’m so grateful for every post, the sad and the silly because you are real and honest. You’re such an inspiration and I hope you take at least a few minutes a day to be still and treat yourself well, you deserve it! I love this little corner of the internet.
xoxo,
Chelsea & The City
Kendi you did a wonderful thing sharing this with all of us. Thank you 🙂
<3
as someone who suffers with bi-polar depression and anxiety issues i can relate to what you’ve said so closely. my heart aches for you and your struggles but you are on the right path. opening up like this is SO healthy and i admire your strength and courage in doing so on your blog. you are an amazing woman. i follow this blog not just for the pretty clothes but for the lovely woman that you are. i’m in your corner all the way.
Thank you for your bravery. This post took real guts. I wish you the best of the best; I hope that sunshine finds you.
So much love to you. And thank you for being so brave to share your story with the world. I’ll be here visiting no matter what – rain, shine, clouds, unicorns, and flowers. 😀
Kendi, thank you for sharing your story and more of yourself with us. We’re all human and sometimes we all need to just let out that sigh or deep breath. Thank you for being real and being you.
Amazing that you shared all of this with us. You are so strong and I feel so much admiration for you.
Just wanted to say–you’re one of my favorites, and I think you should share absolutely what you feel comfortable sharing in this space, your space–no more, no less. Good luck with everything! I’ll still be reading.
Kendi, you are very brave to share all of this here.
I can honestly say one of the reasons I love and have loved your blog is because of the parts of you that are in every paragraph.
You continue to inspire me ladyfriend 🙂
-Krystyn
Thank you for sharing. Your words really help me in this moment of my life (so difficult by the way) Thank you for being silly in all your post.
Thank you for sharing Kendi. I love reading your blog because it always makes me smile- your writing is witty and your style is beautiful. Over 400 people have already sent you kind messages and here’s mine – take care of yourself and I hope that you start to feel better soon. Thank you for bringing a smile to my life with your blog. Depression is so awful but it can and will get better. Sending you lots of love.x
I keep coming back to this blog because I care about you. That sounds crazy coming from someone you’ve never met, but I do. I’ve been reading for two+ years now, every single day. I definitely noticed that you were closed off. It was frustrating because your shop is so interesting (I also own a small business, though it’s a bicycle shop) and there was so much potential content there. You never seemed to give, and it was clear you were acting out of concern for your privacy and keeping this a clear and clean space. But I have to say, I’m so excited to move forward on this journey with you and see more sides to you and the shop. I also have depression and anxiety. I have panic attacks regularly and am considering medicines, even. It’s brave of you to talk about this and I’m just…thank you. I’ve criticized you in the past, yes, but it always ALWAYS came from a place of wanting to see you at your best. I’m so glad you’ve decided to make some changes, and I can promise I’ll still be here every day to look at your outfits and read your posts, silly or not.
Thank you so much for your honesty. As someone who has dealt with anxiety and has supported a loved one with depression I identified with your post and learned from your description of what you were going through. I’ve been following you for two years and I respect you even more than I did before. I bet being true to yourself must be such a relief. Wishing you the best Kendi!
Thank you for sharing your life with us. It is incredibly hard to be honest about depression (I would know) and I’m proud of you for doing what you think is best for you. I’m also glad that it means I get to read your blog and be in your life! 😉 But if you ever feel like the blog is hurting more than it’s helping, I’ll toast you with a glass of pink champagne and wish you the best. Thanks again for sharing. I think you’re pretty great.
loveMercyMe.blogspot.com
Kendi, you are so brave for writing this. Your site is my favorite and I always check your blog everyday. Thank you for sharing your struggles– what a great reminder that life is full of sunshine and rain. Wishing you the best! You have a whole audience cheering you on!
Kendi,
This post was, honestly, the most sincere & beautiful blog post I’ve read in quite some time (if not, ever)…and I read a lot of blogs! I’d like to say thank you for sharing, but that particular sentiment seems to fall a bit short. To me, the more appropriate comment is this: congratulations. This post wasn’t about us (the readers), this post was a personal hurdle and struggle…so congratulations!
Find the light in overcoming this obstacle, and know that you have inspired one more person to stare down & conquer her own personal hurdles. Sending loving joojoo your way!
Come rain or shine – I’ll take any weather that passes over your blog and always be thankful for your courage to share!
Kendi, dear, your readers love you. I totally come here for the clothes, but it’s posts like this (and your keynote at TxSCC) that showcase the way you understand things so very well.
May you know joy again very soon. Not just happiness but joy.
You are so so brave, Kendi! I’ll wholeheartedly admit that I come here to get ideas for cute outfits (of which all of yours are), but of course I want to know who the girl wearing them is! Thank you so much for sharing and I truly hope that starting with a clean slate helps you on your path to healing.
On another note, when you said you didn’t want to talk about opening bloom, it reminded me of
this post on A Practical Wedding that I thought you might be able to relate to.
I know you will conquer the darkness. This is a very courageous post to write. I hope you feel empowered. I hope you feel that the slate is clean.
Those are not easy words to share. I admire you for typing that out and I think you are so brave to be dealing with that. Depression sucks and I am glad you’ve got a system of support and help when you need it. Thank you, Kendi, for your openness. and I hope you find happier days ahead.
Dear Kendi, I’m not much of a replyer on blogs, I’m more the creepy kind of reader that is simply consuming the outfit inspiration you provide. That is, I started coming for the outfits, but I kept coming back regularly for the witty words they came with. Reading your blog kind of felt like having a very well-dressed quirky friend at the other end of the Atlantic. But being a ‘friend’, I really do hope you are okay – and I want to thank you for your open-heartedness. What you are going through is supertough, and though I know sweet replies won’t cure your problems, but I hope you will feel a teeny-tiny bit better after reading this. Know that even your creepy readers will want you to feel okay, not only look it. 😉 Wishing you all the best, Else
Kendi, happy to hear that I’m not alone. So grateful that you have shed just a little bit of light on this topic to make others feel less outcasted. Depression/Anxiety often goes over looked and makes those who suffer from it feel incompetent and weak; when really, that is not the case at all! Life is full of roses and thorns. Thankful for your honest heart!
Kendi, I have been following you for a few years now (I spent many, many hours reading all your old posts, laughing and smiling) and you are my favorite blogger because you are so real. I’ve never commented before but I want to thank you for this post and for being so genuine, difficult as it may be- it is sincerely appreciated. I feel like reading blogs can be hard for us ‘regular people’ because the lives portrayed always seem so glossy and perfect, but in reality, of course they are not. Your bravery and strength in sharing your story is remarkable. So, thank you, thank you and thank you for sharing & don’t be sorry for a second for being a real human, with real emotions- ‘life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride’ and moms always make everything better 🙂 …I hope you continue to heal and see the light. sending much love…xoxo
Beautiful words, Kendi. Thank you for sharing. I pray that you will continue to find the light amongst the shadows! xoxo
Thank you for sharing your story. I too suffered from panic/anxiety attacks and felt like it was the end for me. What I’ve realized is that YOU are in control of what happens next. Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, and allow yourself to accept that you’re going to be just fine. In truth, I usually just scroll through your pictures and see where I can buy everything (you’ve caused me to spend lots of money–and it’s worth it!!), but now I am going to take a longer look at your story. You’re helping a lot of people, whether you know it or not, Kendi. Thank you again 🙂
Kendi, you're a serious rockstar for writing that. Thank you for sharing and know that regardless of what you put out, those of us that have been reading you for YEARS will always be coming back. xo
Thank you Kendi. You have no idea how much it means to me to read this post. Your honesty is why I have read you from the beginning to the end. Your realization that you control things and always will is something I am dealing with right now. Please Kendi, You are amazing and your honesty is so appreciated!
http://www.theadoredlife.com
Wow. Just wow. I was teary eyed through the whole thing. Believe it or not, sometimes it makes me feel worse to read shiny, happy blogs where cute girls appear to have life by the balls and there is nary a worry in sight. You just became so much more real to me, and I applaud you a hundred times over for writing this. I already loved your style, your writing voice, and your adorable store. Now I have a new respect for the woman you are. BRAVO.
This was very brave. Thank you for sharing. Sending some good thoughts your way!!
Thank you for sharing. I know it's not easy to write, but please know that more people go through this than you can realize. Depression feels very lonely, but its not.
Thank you for your honesty, and don’t ever feel ashamed of saying something that some won’t like, or understand. Depression is a hard thing, and one of the hardest is telling others that you have it. You are very strong!
i'm so glad you shared this side of your life and business. i'm sure it was very hard, but i think it must also feel great for you to get it off your chest. i'm glad you've been to the doctor since and that things are getting better all the time. i think it's super brave to be so open and vulnerable here. just wanted to say i've always been so so impressed by your blog/store/work ethic.
I've never commented on your blog before, but I've been reading it for about two years. I'm so glad you wrote about this. I think it's easy to assume that a bloggers life is perfect, because from all the pretty pictures you post it seems that way. I certainly don't wish these struggles upon you, but I'm glad that you are being honest about your life. It makes you seem more human, and that can't be a bad thing, right?
Ive suffered from anxiety attacks for years, they sure aren't fun! I'm grateful for them, though, because they've forced me to reevaluate my life and make some changes so that I wouldn't feel so stressed all the time.
I hope that things improve for you, I know they will. I think speaking your truth is an important step towards progress, and you've certainly done that here. Best of luck to you!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with all of us. What a brave woman you are! I too have seen more shadows than light lately and I can’t seem to find my way back to the light! I’m trying every day though. I want to be the person I once was. I think she used to be carefree, funny and at times, risky. I don’t know what happened to her, but I will find her. Thanks to you, I know that we aren’t alone in this thing called life. And even though we don’t know each other, I feel like you are a friend. Wishing you much health and happiness to continue your way.
http://akstylemyway.blogspot.com/
Hi Kendi,
I too have struggled with depression and anxiety in my life. My first bouts with depression were in high school, they flared up again right after graduating college, and the last, and worst, episodes was when I ended an engagement two years ago. After years of suffering in silence, I went and talked to a counselor. I didn't realize that there could be like without depression, or that the endless pit in my stomach was anxiety. After months of counseling, I am in such a better place. I don't remember feeling this happy or hopeful since I was in grade school. That is so brave of you to share your history, even if it is just to anonymous readers.
I love your blog, and I'm astonished that there are people in the world that can put together and wear beautifully classic clothes like you every day. You are an inspiration, in your clothing choices and in real life. Keep up the hard work of mending, I am rooting for you!
Thank you for sharing what you’ve been going through. I have struggled with both anxiety and depression at various points in my life as well, so I found your story incredibly relatable. Therapy was really the best thing I ever did, and I still use the techniques I learned there when I feel that twinge of anxiety or sadness creeping back again. There are more people than we think going through similar stuff, being open helps to not feel so alone in the struggle and journey. Hang in there!
You have now climbed the mountain…you are very brave. Often, when I climb a mountain (literally – I live in Colorado *wink) and I look down on the beautiful view below, I just feel…better, somehow. take care of yourself and continue to be brave.
Being in the limelight is unbelievably hard. Being a brand is unbelievably hard. Having to look beautiful and ‘perfect’ all the time is unbelievably hard. Same reason why so many celebrities (and just actors in general) succumb to depression, drugs, and worse. (I feel like I can say this because it’s my industry, and many of my friends, and even myself. Not generalizing.) Good for you for recognizing how you feel and being proactive to change it. I can’t recommend Ziva Meditation or the Paradox Process more. They both saved and changed my life. xo
Hi Kendi, can I give you a hug? The best words that live on blogs (and in life) are the true ones. And indeed, they are the shiny, sparkly ones. I adore your look, your style (and basically pinch many an idea from you… I look good because of you), but the best part about stopping by here is real-person-Kendi. You are so smart, and so witty, and so brave. Thank you x
This is, hands down, the best thing I've ever seen on your blog. Thank you so much for sharing this, for being real. Cheering for YOU and your way back to an authentic sunshiney place.
I normally read this through my RSS feed but I wanted to stop by the actual site to say thank you for writing this. I, at least, come here to hear your story and this part of it is every bit as good as the happy and silly part.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this!! You are an inspiration to live a life of honesty. Thank you for this!
Kendi – your blog was the first I started following and since have many favorites, but yours is always what I enjoy reading first each day. While I don't know you personally, there's never any need to apologize for true feelings – when you're ready to share that's all that matters. I hope you find peace moving forward and can enjoy those moments in life that make you truly happy. All the best!
I've never been here for the clothes. I'm here for Kendi. I think I probably speak for a lot of people when I say, we would love to know more about her. Don't ever feel like you are unable to share in this space. (Hope this isn't creepy. I promise I am a well-adjusted adult who just really likes your blog.)
Brave post! Thanks so much for sharing. It’s incredibly helpful to hear someone’s story and how they are dealing with it whether or not it mirrors one’s own. Hoping you find more light than shadows going forward!
There are a million style blogs. I come back to this one because of your intelligence and humor and that undefine-able thing that makes your voice uniquely yours. Your clothes are really nice, too, don't get me wrong!!! But its the inner YOU shining through that sets this space apart.
I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself and thank you so much for sharing such a deep and delicate thing. You wrote it out beautifully and eloquently and with that certain wink and sparkle that is so Kendi.
Be good to yourself, girl. We'll be here for you.
Thank you for sharing, kendi. I do really enjoy your clothes, but like you said, this blog makes me want to know you as a friend. I live in the Dallas area and i joke (kind of) with my hubby that i should totally go meet you and become bffs with you…! Keep chugging along and you'll be fine… Thanks again for sharing
Sip-n-wear.blogspot.com
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, with a public persona to worry about to boot. I hope there is sunshine ahead for you Kendi 🙂
So hoping things start going the way you deserve and that you get to feeling wonderful soon. Thanks for sharing.
You’re the best Kendi! <3
Dear Kendi, this blog post makes me want to read your blog MORE, not less. Thank you for your inspiring post!
"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
Kendi, I've always been so impressed with you, both from a style stand point and from a personal stand point. You are witty and hilarious, and REAL. This is even greater evidence of that. Thank you for sharing, I'm sure there are SO many people who can benefit from this!
kendi, thanks for sharing this. this is incredibly strong of you and i think very brave. i have been reading your blog for 2 years now ( i am from germany ) and i have been enjoying it a lot. i love your style and your writing and the "silly" stuff you write.
i hope that you will be fine – i´ll stay a happy reader of your blog!
Though I am a longtime reader, I've never commented on your blog before. I just wanted to thank you for your courage — it takes a brave heart and a strong soul to write so openly about such a difficult issue. Thank you for sharing. Good luck! So many people are rooting for you! 🙂
I think many of us have traveled down that lane, I'm glad that you've come forth and shared. I'm going through something similar so I find it hard to find the right words. I know the lack of concentration rings many bells for me and it's often frustrating! Hang in there, we will all get through this. As that saying says "If you're going through a rough time, keep going" you'll do just fine.
http://www.houseofhemingway.com
Sharing this part of your life is brave, and you probably have no idea how many of your reader's lives you are touching. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your life, something beyond your clothes. I admire your honesty (and so much more!).
We are all rooting for you!
~FringeGirl
Although I have probably followed your blog for years now, I don't think I have ever commented before. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. The stigma of depression is as bad as the depression itself. I find great comfort with my peers and I hope you will as well. Take Care!
Thank you for sharing, and good luck in finding the light.
I will, without doubt, continue to read your blog and cheer you on! I am very impressed with all you do — being entrepreneur AND a public blogger takes a lot of courage and strength.
I love your clothes but love you more. You're awesome, Kendi. Hang in there.
Love this. And LOVE you (even if that sounds weird and awkward to write to someone on a blog who I’ve never meant). I don’t toss that around though and I mean it. Sending love your way. It’s easy for people to write off “style bloggers” (even though I know you are much more than that), but you are incredibly gifted in so many ways, not the least of which is expressing yourself in writing. I am a writer (though I currently practice another vocation that uses writing in different ways; I used to write for newspapers and magazines), and it’s easy to tell other people’s stories. Much more difficult to tell our own. I hope you feel empowered having written it. I believe through it you have empowered others. I did start reading your blog because I used to wear sweats and T-shirts every day and my friend recommended an upgrade for my new job … and you’ve totally revolutionized my style, seriously … however I think you’re right when you say we all come here for more than the clothes. It is for you. You are a gift. Thank you.
(PS: Can I also say that whenever I feel depressed or need to read something TRUE – I read Hemingway? Cuz his quote is f-ing correct and his writing cuts through all the bs out there. I used to look up Hemingway quotes online when I was frustrated. Good stuff. 🙂 )
Kendi, I know what panic attacks, cold sweats, and chronic depression/anxiety feels like. I’m sure a lot of other people do as well. You are not alone.
You are beautiful, you are healthy, and you are intelligent. It is okay if you just let yourself be if you need to. You’re 28 years old and you won’t be forever…just let yourself enjoy it. You don’t have to please anyone, you will never be able to please everyone. Life is not a competition or a race. It will be okay to just let go. Things could be so much worse…SO SO much worse…Enjoy the fact that they aren’t!. You could have cancer, you could become deformed, have a traumatic brain injury, lose a limb…None of that has happened. Just please look around you and be grateful for what you have…and the time you have here on Earth.
Good luck on your journey. Please don’t waste the beautiful life you’ve been given full of worry.
Thanks for sharing and your honesty…it's hard to be vulnerable, but I know it will help you heal.
Kendi,
Please keep writing and sharing whatever you want. The good and the bad. We'll take it all with open arms. Even though I don't really know you, I always want to check in with your life as if you were a friend, a very stylish one at that. Keep your chin up. We're proud of you and this brave move to really share your life.
Thanks for sharing this, Kendi. I really appreciate your honesty and acceptance of your true self. Rooting for you! Big hugs and big smiles.
This vulnerable post does nothing but prove your strength. Thank you for sharing your story.
I know it must be tricky to decide what to share on here and what to keep private, but at the end of the day just be yourself…the good, bad and everything in between. I love all the style tips but more importantly I find myself rooting for YOU! I love that you’re funny and real. Not everything can be perfect all the time so don’t feel like you have to be either. Please know that while I sit in my cube and read your blog, that you add a bright spot to my day. I hope we can do the same for you!
You are so brave to write this. Best of luck!
Thank you for being brave enough to post this. For whatever reason there's a stigma around being honest about the negative things in life, and I really admire you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s refreshing to see someone be honest about their struggles because it makes everything else they do more beautiful and more important. We can’t fully appreciate the good and beautiful things in life without the bad.
Kendi…Thank you.
I know this probably took a lot, a LOT of guts. Thanks for sharing your story and I know you'll get the support you need following this. Onwards and upwards!
Thank you for sharing your struggles. My parents opened a store, which they thought would be their dream, and they quickly realized how hard it was. It ate at them, and two years after closing, I fear I lost my parents somewhere in that store. They could never deal with their depression in the way you are. Good job for acknowledging it, for working on it, and for sharing it. And thank you for always bringing a sunshine into my day with your great outfits that are accessible to the normal person. You're beautiful.
Kendi, Your blog is one of the select few that I read daily. I adore your style, wit, and perspective. Thank you for sharing your story – your bravery is inspirational.
Thanks for being so brave and sharing this with us, Kendi! As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression most of her life, I know how hard it is to share the truth of those struggles with others- especially in a setting like this! I've always been impressed with your honesty and wit as much as your fashion sense, and now even more so. Stay strong, and write what you need to write. We'll all be here to read and embrace it all!
I loved this post and am proud of your bravery! Because you mentioned happiness is a choice, may I recommend The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry as it explores this concept and offers tools like mental focus and gratitude to use to be more joyful.
You have written so well of what hurts and what is real. I am grateful that you have been able and are being able to analyze, face and address truth. It hurts to heal but silences lying fears. Praying for you.
I like the quote a lot! Thanks for sharing your aches..healing process. we're all the same…you're not alone.
http://underthestarsandsun.blogspot.com/
It is such a strange feeling, being ambitious, optimistic, and also depressive. People get fooled and think you're just being dramatic. Then you think you probably have no right to feel sad, because look at how amazing life is and all you have accomplished. Then you forget that there are other feelings and just accept anxiety of a matter of course. Anyway, getting help is tough because it means thinking about it and giving it shape and admitting that you've been doing life wrong somehow and also like you have let your happy, optimistic, ambitious self down. Good for you for being able to write this post.
Thank you for sharing this.
You are amazing! Take some time, rest, feel better. We’ll all be here.
Yeah that's one thing I wish I didn't have control over. I wish happiness just happened to me. 🙂 I'm glad we're in the same boat, it's nice to know someone else is dealing with a crazy life, too. Thanks for your kind words.
Thank you for sharing your story. It can't be easy. I know how you feel. I have never experienced a panic attack but I do feel like i'm in a deep dark hole lately. Being a wife, mother, nurse, blogger, baker has taken it's toll. It's a struggle to find balance. Thank you for your story and for being so candid.
Agi:)
vodkainfusedlemonade.com
I'm not much of a commenter on blogs because I (confession) read a LOT of them. One of the comments below said that this was one of the first ones they'd read – and that stands true for me as well. I've even read yours probably 3 different times. As much as I love your style and what you do – it's the person behind it I adore so much. I look forward to your posts every day because they make me laugh. Your dry humor was (and often still is) the draw. I don't struggle with the same things but at a point in my life where things looked the bleakest – your blog helped keep me through it, honestly. I probably spent more time reading it than doing anything else.
All this to say is although I (often) envy your stuff and adore your store, the personality behind it is what makes it easy to come back to over and over again. I live in Texas myself and often I want to come up to your neck of the woods just to MEET you. Because I often think you're even more awesome and cooler in real life than you already are on the internet.
So do what you need to do – I'll keep coming back. Because honestly I'm not a big fan of blogs who only post pictures of their clothes and nothing more than that – I want to know more about them and what makes them so much more infinitely cooler than me (heh).
Whatever happens for you I'll keep reading – because this blogsphere is just amazing and the people on it are truly unique as well. Like you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I too know all to well what it feels like to have a panic attack. Wishing you health and happiness!
Kendi, going to your blog everyday I am reminded of how easy it is to be fashionable and comfortable at the same time. You are beautiful inside and out, I have been through depression before and my advice is one day at a time and cherish those who love you. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, it get’s easier every year! All the best!
thank you for being so open. love your honesty.
So proud and so brave! You are so brave Kendi. Not only for sharing this but for knowing when it is time to heal. You are inspiring and helping many by this blog, your story and Bloom 🙂
Angela —
I totally agree on the anxiety attack benefit of forcing you to re-adjust. B and I have had to sit down and say "ok yes we can do that, okay no we can't do that any longer." It sucks getting here but I think that it will make for a better life in the end. That's such a good way to look at it, thanks for saying that.
Kendi
Now I like you even more than I already did. Thank you 🙂
I never comment on the blogs I read – of which yours was one of the first – but I just wanted to say, well done. Hang in there.
I can imagine how difficult this was to write, but this was so movin, Kendi. In the years I've followed your blog, who knew that this photoless post would be my favorite you've ever written? Thanks for getting real with us. I've admired your style, and now I can honestly say I admire your soul. Depression is not an easy thing to deal with, I will keep you in my thoughts. Best to you. xo.
Kendi. Thank you so much for this post. I can relate. I've experienced anxiety and panic attacks my whole life and it's so easy to let it happen, it continue with your busy and stressful lifestyle and just push these things aside.
I am SO proud of you for writing this post. It's not easy. Anxiety and depression are little black boxes that we get locked in and it's hard to find the way out. I'm so happy you have recognized some of your triggers and are working towards healing.
You're so brave and I know that's why everyone admires you. It's your time to heal and find peace.
Thank you.
I love your courage to post this Kendi. I can't imagine the stress of the shop, the blog and still trying to have a life with your husband and friends and family. Sometimes life can be suffocating. Sometimes I just takes making a change and realizing your triggers to make a big impact in your life. Best of luck to you.
Lindsay
LindsayJEveryday.blogspot.com
long time reader, infrequent commenter….
thanks for sharing. i am sure, as you will see, that many suffer and (unfortunately) in silence. i hope that even in just sharing, you are already finding ways to heal.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this Kendi, a lot of people will be able to relate to this, I know I can.
A couple of years ago I opened a pre-loved clothing boutique and can identify with just how hard that really is, small business is hard work, especially when you’ve put your heart and sole into it.
Thank you for sharing your comment! I've wondered about counseling a few times, but I've just never been brave enough to make the call. When I was talking to the doctor, she said something to the tune of you know this isn't normal right? And it struck me as funny because I just learned to accept that I was always on edge. It is nice to see the silver lining again, isn't it?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's nice to know I'm not alone. 🙂
Thank you so much! I appreciate you sharing your struggle so much.
Looking forward to the good and the bad days… we're all only human.
Just wanted to simply say, thank you for being so b r a v e!
Thank you so much for your honesty, this post was so genuine and I know that it couldn't have been easy to write. While I love your outfit posts (seriously, come dress me, ha!) I really think that you opening up was really brave and I'm so glad you did. Praying for you lady! xo
Hi Kendi
I stumbled across your blog a year ago and love it!! I live in England and log on every night! Your blog this eve has touched me, I too have p/attacks but it’s a sign your cup is overflowing. Rest and be your own best friend. Brave girl for sharing. Big hugs. X x Love Miss UK – not literally!!
Thanks for having the courage to share your story–it's something I know I needed to hear. It's so easy for me caught up feeling like I'm never enough– so I overcompensate by doing too much and exhausting myself in the process. Have you read any of the books by Brene Brown? Her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" seriously is life-changing!
This is such a beautiful post. Please know everything you said is correct – we are here to hear your whole story, the ups and downs, not just the sunshine but the rainy days too. 🙂
I am truly grateful for you sharing this and admire you more for it. So true and honest, as bloggers, sometimes we get caught up in this other world and we need to pull ourselves back down to earth just like everyone. Truly fantastic words written and I hope each day it gets a little easier.
Thank you so much for your post about your struggles. I've read your blog for over a year and I love it for many reasons. You are funny, gorgeous, have great style, and there is something about you and the way you handle your self that draws people in. And this post is a perfect example of that. I too struggle with depression in ways that is easy to ignore sometimes, and in other ways its embarrassing and makes me feel defeated. The lay in bed all day and do nothing but cry at randoms things, defeated. I am a happy person with an amazing husband, and the job that I've always dreamed of, but It has always baffled me how someone so happy can be not so happy at the same time. Luckily for God's grace, he rights our wrongs and takes away our pain and struggle… if we let him. Whatever your beliefs may be, I pray peace for you. And I pray strength & rejuvenation for you and your husband. Its not an easy journey, and it never will be… but God doesn't give someone something they can't handle. He also working in wonderful ways… one of those being allowing you to open your heart to the world and drawing me in to read it. Your courage and strength inspires me to do the same. So, THANK YOU for being you and opening up. I can only imagine how many people are moved by your journey. I know I am! God bless you, girl! You deserve happiness, and you're are gonna get it, I just know it.
Jillian
This took courage. Thanks for sharing. I will always love to hear the honest side of things. Blessings to you on your journey.
Thank you so much for writing this Kendi. I struggle with Depression too, and it is just so hard sometimes. The last 2 days in fact have been pretty bad, but this post just helped me a lot. I never would have guessed that you struggle with it as well, and I don't think you know how many people your touching by telling your story. Getting back into the Word and hearing Jesus' words have been invaluable to me.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19 (NIV)
Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)
Brave, indeed. Kudos to you for sharing this with us.
Erin
http://www.BrainsOfTheOutfit.com
Not creepy, actually it's comforting. Thanks for saying that. Sharing is hard for me, as weird as that is because here I am a girl with a blog and she doesn't want to share here life. The irony. So thank you for the encouragement, it means a lot.
You my favorite style blogger are a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes you real. Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. I know that all will be well.
Great quote, friend. Thank you.
I hope you understand the permission you just gave to your readers to exhale, pursue their truth, and live it out loud. Thank you Kendi. I wish nothing but for you to be your best self.
Take care of you! I had panic attacks for years and finally went to a therapist, it did wonders. Hang in there.
Blogs are best when they are real – even heartbreaking. Thank you for having the courage. Also, I've heard this woman speak on her panic attacks and anxiety, and she is wonderful. You might check it out. http://www.amazon.com/Freefall-Fly-Breathtaking-Journey-Meaning/dp/1414379366/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=2TF30R0E7N7HT&coliid=I1542K5JNTF6SC
And now all of us come out of the woodwork. The hard thing about depression is that it feels like you're in a dark place all alone, and more than that, it feels OK. But many of us (myself included) have been there, too. Thank you for sharing your story and for allowing all of us to be helping hands as you move forward. Together, we'll open the door out.
Dear Kendi,
Thank you for being so brave. Take care of yourself.
XXXXXX
Megan
Thanks for writing this post. I have struggled with depression too and know how difficult it can be to talk about it. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.
HUGS, kendi! I’ve loved your blog since the beginning and was sad to see that you had stopped posting about your personal life, but now it all makes sense. Thank you for opening up and sharing about what must be a very difficult time for you.
Kendi: thanks for your post about depression and anxiety, something too many of us feel we have to hide. Your blog has been one of my little daily pleasures that has gotten me through my PhD. Thank you!!!
Thank you for sharing. I come from a family which depression runs in, and although I've never suffered from it, I've dealt with it with many people very close to me. It helps to talk, to admit it, to be open, and so I'm grateful that you've been able to do that with us, your readers.
You should be proud of your accomplishments, because I look up to you as a new blogger. You have done so much, so don't forget that.
Keep looking for the light, keep looking back at your accomplishments. Ambition is nothing if you can't reflect on the achievements with a smile.
Thanks and best wishes your way,
Lesley
Thank you so much for sharing this with all of your readers Kendi. I have read your blog for a couple of years now and this post has by fat had the biggest impact and made me respect you so much. As someone who has had her own struggles with depression I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate you finally being open about what you have been going through. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. This was a tear-filled read. I so much appreciate you taking down the cyber blogging wall and letting us in. Life isn't filled with lollipops and rainbows everyday but life does go on so long as you push ahead. All of your readers are rooting for you!
Thanks for sharing. As someone who has dealt with depression, too, I find that it is incredibly brave of you to share this. Hang in there, and know that things will slowly get better. And they'll stay that way. They have for me.
I haven't read her books, but thank you for the suggestion! I'm always on the look out for new ones to read.
Your are beautiful, and I think its so amazing you’ve chosen to share something so private about yourself. I will continue to be a reader, not just because of your great style, but because your a great person. <3
I really hope you are feeling better. While I love and adore your clothes and get so many great wardrobe ideas from you, it's you and your humor and your writing that keeps me coming back.
thank you for sharing this kendi~!! thank you soo much!! i think a lot of people go through the same thing as you, but fear sharing in on their blogs, but it makes you more real and makes me love you even more than i already do! 🙂
xo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
Kendi, I've been a reader of your blog for years, although I think this is my first time to comment.
Thank you for your honesty and your bravery. I face similar demons in my own life (control freak, anxiety ridden, perfectionist, overachiever). I just finished law school (literally I'm graduating on Saturday) and my first year was almost the end of me. I was in the darkest place I've ever been and for the longest time I didn't even realize how lost I was. The journey back to myself was long and painful and arduous. But I can honestly say that 3 years later I am happy and whole and have far greater respect for just letting myself live and be happy.
Sending you the warmest wishes on your journey. Keep sharing the good with the bad. I, for one, will keep reading.
Thank you for sharing. You’re not alone.
Thank you for writing this! Take if from someone who has slipped into depression several times, had panic attacks and even some crazy anxiety attacks, I know where you are coming from. I really needed to read that line "Happiness is a CHOICE."
Word to the wise – be careful with depression meds…
Praying for you! =)
your honesty is wonderful. i hope cleaning your slate and talking about the not so pretty things in your life are steps to brighter days ahead 🙂
XOXO
Thank you for sharing such a hard part of your life with us. I much prefer the blogs I read to be real rather than smiley and perfect al the time because that is not real life. I hope that you will be able to find some sort of healthy balance in your life and continue to ask for help from your loved ones and professionals when you need it. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. Hope you can continue to move forward. ( ( ( hugs ) ) )
You are a profoundly great person for posting this.
I can relate all too well. I am fighting this battle myself. This was very brave of you, and I am so proud of you. You are helping others by sharing. I know it has helped me to hear the feelings put into words so well. Thanks and best wishes.
This is one of the most true, honest and beautiful posts I've ever read. I know sharing emotions is hard, but you just did it in so mature and inspiring (!) way. Thank you.And I wish you all the best!
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. The details of our stories might be different, but you should know that you're not alone in these feelings and struggles. Here's to you and me, and to both of us finding the light in the shadows 🙂
Kendi, thank you so much for sharing this. I wish I could hug you right now because last year, I was going through a situation very similar to yours.
"There is something else I've realized in my struggle: life is good. I've confused ambition with dissatisfaction. Ambition isn't something that sets out to destroy, it's something that sets out to create." That sent chills down my spine because I was in a job for two years that, while it gave me a level of professional status, provided me with wonderful experience, and brought me to meet some of my best friends, it drained me of everything I loved about myself to the point that I did have to do the same thing as you and seek help. It was the best decision I ever made and I'm thrilled you are getting what you need too.
You're not alone in this at all and if you ever need anything, just let me know =D
Hey Kendi,
I’ve been following you for about a year now and I absolutely love it. I love who you are and you style. It takes great courage to talk about your struggle with depression, and I admire you so much for doing it. I have been where you are multiple times. Keep on looking for that light girl, and know that you have at least one person behind you.
Amanda N.
You are a brave and beautiful person! (I know you probably can't see that now, but some day you will.) The sunshine is headed your way.
Dear Kendi,
I empathize with you as I have suffered from severe panic attacks since I was 20 years old. A difficult relationship in my early 20s triggered panic attacks so severe, I would be rushed to the ER out of fear that I was having a seizure or a stroke. Like you, I was always (and have always been) obsessed with 'what's next.' Marriage, professional career, keeping up financially and obsessing over how much I'm saving vs. spending; the inability for me to just be content with the here and now and what I've got and not worry so much about the 'small stuff'…now I am obsessed with the fear of having a baby. (these are personal experiences…not that you have the same worries, but I empathize with the anxiety bit.) The unknown is something that is extremely difficult for me, too. Know that you are not alone. My genetic makeup points to the fact that my parents (mostly dad) and grandparents suffered from the same form of panic and anxiety for most of their lives. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this time. Know that what you are going through is very common and you are not alone.
With blessings,
Natalie
Yes, exactly. You took the words right out of my head.
Depression is such a weird thing. It's almost like watching myself in a movie. I can see my life — I see the good parts, I see the bad parts, I see the people in it but I don't feel any of it. It's like watching your life but being separated from it and not being able to get back to it.
Thanks for relating those words.
Hi, sweetie! I'm an old reader but I've never left a message before. I admire not only your incredible sense of fashion but your sense of humor also. So sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time in you life. However, as a 29-year-old woman who's suffered from anxiety, depression and OCD my whole life, I can tell you (for sure) that this is going to get better, I promise you. You are seeing a doctor and seeking help from your loved ones, that's the beginning of the cure process 🙂 I hope you get better soon! Cheers from Brazil!
Kendi, you are an inspiration. Too many people (women especially) try to project these perfect images of a non-stressful, fun-filled life and although it's good to see these happy images, it also makes the viewer depressed that their life isn't as glamourous. Thank you so much for sharing your real life; it's refreshing to see a real person on